Friday, March 07, 2008

Take a breather, man...


I feel like I've had caffeine... Without the hyper. My heart is fluttering and my chest is tight. My mind wonders from one topic to another at lightning speed. I wish it was coffee doing this but I'm pretty sure it's anxiety. My breath is shallow and if I stand up too fast I feel light headed. I'm not sick... Not at all.

It's amazes me how powerful our minds are. A simple thought can take our physical self and turn it inside out at the drop of a hat. Did you know that an anxiety attack can be brought on by sight or sound? It could be completely subconscious. You could very well mistake it for a heart attack if you have never had one. My friend taught me about them long ago so I know the signs, although saying I'm having a heart attack is a pretty dramatic thing to say to get a rise out of the person you are with...

This year has brought upon me many changes. I love changes. I love that things move and life is not stagnant. If I feel like my life is stuck, I itch to get out. Right now, though... Nothing is stuck. I feel like great things are in store, but I can't ignore the not-so-good things. Often they are out of my control. As much as I would like to have an influence, I make no difference to the situation.

So I sit and wait. I work on what I can and I wait. This waiting is controlling my breathing, the pulse of my heart and my mind is cluttered. Not all bad clutter, but clutter non-the-less...

I've actually been wanting to write in this blog lately but who wants to read about non-amusing things? This was my source for a long time to write about only random, light Erica thoughts, but I don't feel like forcing the funny anymore. Don't get me wrong - I love myself some funny but sometimes just writing for myself is important too. It feng shui's my head into a better, cleaner living environment. So I'm setting the terms for this blog as follows:

I will write when I want.
I will write whatever the fuck I want.
And I will not care if you like it or not.

Wow - I sound like a bitch, huh? A rhyming bitch?? I swear I'm not. (a regular bitch) I'm still a very sweet girl who like to talk like a sailor... And maybe dress like one... What??? Haha...

See!! I'm crackin' jokes already. And my breathing has slowed... Already proof that when I do what I want, I'm better off. I hope you guys do the same because wearing a sailor suit can get you a lot of ass. Hahahaha...

Good times. Love you all.
Erica

9 comments:

Jay said...

"It amazes me how powerful our minds are. A simple thought can take our physical self and turn it inside out at the drop of a hat."

I know that exact feeling. Especially when you say things like " ... and my chest is tight." ;-)

I've never had problems with anxiety attacks, but my mother has. I can see it coming on just by looking at her. She usually has one when she is inside a place that is really crowded.

M@ said...

Erica,

You should tell your mind to "wonder" to a dictionary and check your spelling.

M@ said...

I love light Erica AP but don't be afraid to go dark once in a while.

Anxiety. Tell me about, sister. They should figure out how to make a drug or something to treat that.

The Diva's Thoughts said...

The mind is a very powerful tool. This is your blog and you SHOULD write what you want. You will feel so much better.

Good for you.

Erica AP said...

Jay: Are you being dirty with the chest talk? Hahah... I'm not so sure your Mom would approve of that. :)

Matt: Did I even use the word "wonder?" I'm bad at that tech stuff!! What's a dictionary anyway?? And I'm not afraid of the dark side, that's a really great comic strip... Haha...

Diva: Thanks! I do feel better when I'm true to myself! Girl-powers activate!!! :)

Steph said...

Anxiety attacks suck. You know what sucks more? People who are blissfully ignorant of anxiety attacks telling you to "just relax". Those people need to die.

Write whatever the fuck you want when you want. Just don't forget to rock us like hurricanes.

Phronk said...

The best blogs are the ones where the blogger writes whatever the fuck they want. So keep fucking doing that. Fuck.

I know how you feel with the stagnation/change stuff. I'm totally in a state of change myself, which is somewhat scary, but at the same time I know that I wasn't entirely happy being stagnant either. So you can look at it as "life is always either boring or scary", or "life is always either comfortable or exciting". The latter is more fun I guess.

CarmenSinCity said...

that's the most adorable female sailor suit. I totally want one!

Erica AP said...

Steph: I karate kick those people then pinch their shoulders like Dr. Spock does and then I tell them to get a life. I'm nice like that. :)

Phronk: I hear you. Boring or scary... Boring or scary. I will write whatever I want and then I can tell the librarian (boring) and Jason (Friday the 13th) to fuck off... Haha... :) Love for all!!!

Carmen: I know!! Cute and salorish... :)