Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Typing feva.


A little something weird. A little something strange. A little something out of date.

My work bought me a typewriter.

That's right. You heard me right. A fucking typewriter.

Apparently someone was annoyed that I was on the internet all day reading blogs when they had to manually type something so, as I have mentioned before, I got a typewriter.

The last time I typed on an actual typewriter was probably when I was 10 years old and my Mom had this gray metal one that she tried to get me to do typing tests on. I would type:

ff jj kk ll ;; dd ss aa fj kl ;d sa fuck you mother fucker i cant do this im only 10

And of course it would be without looking. Because if you looked you were a "pecker". Not a penis-pecker but a "pecker" because you used two fingers to type everything. Now that I'm older I see that the "pecker" can type as fast or faster than I can. Pretty fucking amazing actually. So I'm left with the question... Do you think it was necessary to learn the 10 finger typing ritual, or would we be better off pecking? With all the text messaging and shit I kinda wish I was a "pecker"...

Who's with me on saying "pecker" a lot??????

So, back to my story.... I got a typewriter at work and I was so inspired by the clicks and return button, I wrote this. Which is just the picture at the top but larger so you can read it. And believe me... It's worth it. Especially for a blogger... You could learn a lot from a 10 fingered typer like me who feels the power of beyond to write the shortest book ever written. (And exactly why am I not in the Guinness Book of World Records???)

Where's my fucking brandy? (Cherry flavored brandy with suffice, thank you.)

Erica Putis novelist extrordinare

55 comments:

Captain Smack said...

Pecker pecker pecker!

Hey, I'm first again. If I do it three times in a row, do I win something?

I think you should do all future posts on your type-writer. It just seems so much more authentic that way.

Erica AP said...

Captain Smack: Why do you always have to comment first when I am still drunk and am liable to say I love you??? Maybe I should turn off my computer right after I post so that I can respond in a rational manner... If you give me a Captain Smack windbreaker I will give you my bands t-shirt for free!!! Not sure if they equal out but what ever dude. And thank you for approving of my typewriting skills.

Eric said...

It's actually quite funny. I've been wanting a typewriter for a while now, to (type) write, of course. I don't know how people manage to take on huge endeavors, like writing books or scripts, with all the distraction that exists on the internet, let alone the desktop.

morbid misanthrope said...

A typewriter is a necessity to a true novelist. Real novelists are usually crazy drunks with mental problems, and it's just more effective to bludgeon someone over the head with a heavy typewriter than a dinky computer keyboard.

Lucy said...

Wow! A typewriter? Has it changed your work efforts? Are you still surfing blogs?

Oh and the ten-finger typing didn't work for me.

I totally screwed that method over. Although, I don't need to look at the keyboard, so that's a bonus. Comes into handy when I'm penning (typing) a script or a monologue for my standup comedy.

Nice coming across your blog!

J~ said...

Dear aps,

Mine is a three tier question. Firstly does the typewriter get all jammed up if you press a bunch of keys at once?
Secondly is it electrified?
Finally does it have a white out strip so when you fuck up you can type the same letter but in white out, or do you have to physically add whiteness?

ps: I think theres a law that says once you own a typewriter you can be drunk in public as long as you are wearing slippers and a cardigan WITH leather elbows.

yours truly,
j~

Known as Ben said...

Hey is it one of those ones with the crazy ball covered in letters that spins around or one of the ones with the little arms (with the letters on the end) that pop up when you hit the keys?

I love an old typewriter with the arms ~ its like some sort of creative mechanical creature.

Mr. Bud said...

years of therapy. Thousands of dollars.
I can now say "i am a pecker" with pride.

thankyu.
oops, typo,...thank you.

Erica AP said...

Eric: I was really cool typing but that backspace button just wasn't in the right spot so I'd have to say it slowed me down more than any distracting internet could. :)

Morbid Misanthrope: True!!! They drink brandy and smoke cigarettes and slowly go mad staring at the wallpaper in an old hotel room. Sounds fun to me!

Lucy: I have yet to use it for anything work related so, yes - I'm still surfing the net at work. It's the only thing that gets me by, man!!! Thanks for visiting and I hope you come back!!

J: I didn't test it to see if it would get jammed. It is highly electrified. And to answer your last question - This is a rather new typewriter so all you have to do it hit the X button and it automatically erases the last letter. But you have to be weary of when you need to press the return button other wise words will be cut off!! Bastard typewriter!! And if you ever get a sweater like that - I need to see a picture. Those sweaters are pretty freaking cool.

Ben: Sorry to disappoint but it's not an old typewriter... but the one I first used when I was 10 was like that. I used to see those letter balls on my Mom's desk and thing they were something special. Haha...

Erica AP said...

Mr Bud: It's nice to see a proud pecker once and while. :)

Jay said...

Peckers are cool. I mean, I'm not into peckers, but some people are. Of course there's nothing wrong with being a pecker or loving peckers at all. Some people just aren't into peckers.

Did you know that Mozilla's spell check says that "peckers" isn't a real word. I they think that there is only one pecker in the world. There can't be a group of peckers. Of course, Mozill's spell check says there is no such word as blog either. What do they know.

I took typing class in high school. I only took it cause all the cheerleaders were in that class and I like cheerleaders. Anyway, because of that I'm not a pecker either.

Phronk said...

Firefox realizes that pecker is a real word.

I had a typewriter when I was a wee pecker, and it had a backspace key too. I still don't know how the hell it erases ink from paper. I think it was probably magic.

Some famous author once wrote the shortest novel ever, so that is why you are not in the Guiness book of records.

It was 6 words and went something like this:

"For sale: baby shoes. Never used."

I think that's genius. I'm far too lazy to attribute it to its proper source, though.

Erica AP said...

Jay: I'm glad you have nothing against peckers because that really would be a shame. If you excluded all the peckers you would loose half of your blogger audience. Wait a minute... We are still talking about typing, right? Haha... And I'm glad the cheerleaders helped you not be a pecker. I love writing that word.

Phronk: I know - the eraser button is like magic!!! I used to think it was soooo cool when I was little. Who am I kidding - I still think it's pretty freaking cool... And thank you for clearing up, why I have not been in the Guiness Book of World Records. It was really bothering me. :)

M@ said...

You work for a bunch of peckerheads, Erica AP.

Erica AP said...

Matt: Are you trying to get me fired? Calling them peckerheads and what not??????? Damn you!!!! :)

Tammie Jean said...

First of all, that story is awesome.

If it's a noisy typewriter, you should do all of your work on it from now on and drive everyone crazy.

Gregg O'Connell said...

whoa! you're freaking creepy dude

Erica AP said...

Tammie: Haha... It is really loud!! People kept walking by and saying, "Is that a typewriter???" :)

Gregg: Haha... You love calling people creepy!!!

blog Portland said...

I'm a 65 WPM pecker; er go "words per minute" and "whacks per minute" being equally true.

tony said...

My Gramma had a typewriter when I was a kid. Not the cool IBM kind, but the Old School kind that you had to push the return lever so it went back to the next line. You had to stick a piece of 1970's white-out sheets in the path of the oncoming letter to fix your fuck-ups. I'd have about 30 wadded up pieces of paper in or near the trash can because I hated using that retro-white-out.

I'm not a pecker, but I play one in real life.

Blondie said...

I am happy to hear you still have a computer. I was picturing you sitting there with some lifeless USB connectors and just the typewriter. So sad, that image.

I actually collect old typewriters for fun. I have 4.

Around My Kitchen Table said...

A manual typewriter. Oh what memories! Before I got my first job as a trainee reporter (many years ago) I had learned to touch-type at evening classes. I went into this tiny office which I shared with three senior (male) reporters. As well as having peckers, they all pecked at the typewriter at a speed about five times faster than I could type. I was so pissed off at having spent hard-earned money and losing valuable drinking time going to bloody evening classes!

Diesel said...

You should do your whole blog on the typewriter. You could make xeroxes of it and mail it out to all your readers. Then we could write stupid comments on it and mail it back.

Erica AP said...

Portland: You sound proud, and proud you should be!!

Tony: Those typewriters are crazy!! IBM made da bomb ones!! And I'm glad you own up to being (playing) a pecker in real life. :)

Blondie: I would be VERY upset if they took away my computer... I think a little bit of my soul would die.

Around Kitchen Table: That sucks!! That's how I feel now when I see all the peckers typing way faster than I could ever...

Diesel: Ummm... That's kinda a cool idea except for all the work that would be involved and also all the paper. And don't forget all the money spent. And who uses snail mail anyway? Thanks for the idea though. Maybe when all the computers explode in some technology meltdown I'll do just that. And don't worry... I'll give you props. :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Dude. You are a rockin' novelista. Would you mind coming up to NorCal and helping me out with mine? I'm up to fifty-five pages and none of them are as good as yours.

Malice said...

I'm pecker
He's a pecker
Wouldn't you like to be a pecker, too?
Be a pecker
Type like a pecker
Be a pecker
Type like a pecker....

Sorry, no one else did it so I had to. And I know I'm aging myself with this parody of a soft drink jingle that Barry Manilow wrote!

Mr. Bud said...

PECKER.
PECKER.
PECKER.
(sorry, something at work here)
thanks for the writing space.
i feel better now.

Erica AP said...

QofD: I'm sure I would be of no help to you, because if I came up there I would just want to drink and hang out at your pool. WHAT??? You don't have a pool?? Then I'm definitely not coming up there. Unless you want me too, because that would be kinda cool...Pool or no pool... School... Tool... Fool... I rule??

Malice: I don't know that song but any song that has the word pecker in it that many times is good in my book!!

Mr.Bud: I'm glad I can give you the freedom that other blogs can't. It's true that not every blogger will allow you to write pecker over and over again... :)

Malice said...

Erica, it's the Dr. Pepper jingle from the late 70's or early 80s. It's old like me. ;-)

Mistress Empyrean said...

I honestly didn't think they even made typewriters anymore. My mother has a typewriter from the 1950's. Apparently it makes a wonderful paper weight.

Blondie said...

Pecker.
It's my new word.
A typewriter. People have no faith anymore...

velvet said...

She said "pecker"... hee hee.

They still make typewriters?! I didn't know that. I figured that they got it out of the Smithsonian or something.

Using a typewriter is cool in a very eccentric sort of way.

J~ said...

if you wanna be a real bad ass you should get your work to buy you a bunch of feathers to write with.

Typewriters = beatniks
Feather quill thingies = Shakespeare

Christie said...

A few years ago, my husband begged me for a typewriter, so being the nice wife I am, I bought him this ultra nice $90 typewriter, extra cartridges, and paper. Guess what, he used it once and it now collects dust on our office supply closet. What a waste. I tried it, and it sucked. Where is the spell check? Where is the font changer? Ugh, I was just disgusted, I tell you.

Erica AP said...

Malice: What I don't get is if it was a Dr. Pepper commercial, why were they talking about peckers?? Inquiring minds want to know.

Mistress Empyrean: Yeah - they are pretty cool to look at especially the old black ones. Maybe one day when I have a house I'll buy one just for looks. :)

Blondie: I'm glad you are using the word pecker more often. I think it's really overlooked in the English language. :)

Velvet: It is eccentric!!! And it's really loud and makes "ding!!" noises which is pretty cool. It's an experience that no one has anymore... Unless of course if you are eccentric. :)

J: That's a good idea. I just remembered when I was little one time I found a large feather and I took apart a ball point pen and tried to make a feather pen. Damn - I wish I could find it!! I would totally use it. People would be like, "Wow... She's just like Shakespeare!" Haha...

Christie: Yeah!! Where is the spell check and color font?? My mom use to have a word processor too... There was a little computer screen right above the keyboard and it could hold a pages worth of typing and then it would type it out all fast... Maybe you could find one of those for your husband?? :)

Slick said...

Oooo, a novelist extradonairre. However you spell that damn word.

I'm a big time prick...errr pecker. I peck the keys. Always have and always will.

Dyck!! said...

I can type without using my hands. I guess that makes me a pecker pecker.

Erica AP said...

Slick: So maybe you can call yourself and extraordinare pecker...

Dyck: So you use your nose/beak to peck at the keys? Is that what you are saying? My visual of you is similar to Howard the Duck now... :)

A Life Uncommon said...

This was a hilarious post. I had to laugh outloud a little at the 'novel'. ;)

I cannot believe someone got you a typewriter!!! AS IF that would ever keep one from blogging... ha... you'll show them! ;)

Ryan said...

I am very fond of typewriters because they are responsible for my white out sniffing habit.

Being a pecker isn't as glamorous as you'd think. By age 45 most of our pointer fingers are 3/4s of their original size.

Erica AP said...

A Life Uncommon: Haha... After I typed it I literally laughed for 2 mins... I can be such a dork sometimes. And no one can stop me from blogging!!! Wahh,ah,ha!!! (evil laugh)

Ryan: So does that mean I will wear down my fingers from typing but just less because I use all 10 of them?? Please say it isn't so!! I don't need another phobia. Haha...

James Burnett said...

Hey, it's been proven (I'm making that up) that typewriters make you more creative. You'll have a dozen novels written in not time at all! Has anyone really written good fiction since typewriters made way for computers? Nah.

James Burnett said...

PS. In the interest of full disclosure, I'm a typewriter geek. I collect old ones. Seriously, I couldn't do stamps or Christmas ornaments like normal people. I have old typewriters all over my house.

Malice said...

Erica, here's how the commercial really went:

I'm a Pepper
You're a Pepper
Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?

Be a Pepper
Drink Dr. Pepper....

And so on. But pepper and pecker sound so much alike, I did a Weird Al. ;-)

Erica AP said...

James B: Wow - you are the second person to say they collect them, but I think the other person only has a couple of them... They are pretty cool looking. I would get an old black one if I was decorating my house. :)

Malice: I'm sorry I ruined the joke for you. I'm always doing that because I need jokes explained to me because I have blond roots. Haha... Just kidding. (I hope you aren't blond...)

Michael C said...

Holy Crap!!! Do they still make those things! You should get what you typed published though ;-)

The Diva's Thoughts said...

You are feaking kidding me!!!! What in the world would you use a freaking typewriter for?

I didn't know they still made those.

Erica AP said...

Michael C: I know!!! I should get it published. Do you think I could get rich from it?? :)

Diva: I don't know what I would be using it for... I guess to type on documents... I think there was this place built, probably from the 80's, in a warehouse somewhere and when someone orders one, that's were they get it. Like a typewriter commune or something... Haha...

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Schule. Mool. Rool. You do rule.

Hey, your buddy Gregg just e-mailed me to tell me he was going to be in SF and wanted to hang out.

WTF? Don't you keep him on a leash so his reign of terror is restricted to San Diego?

Erica AP said...

QofD: You should take him to Hooters... I'm sure his girlfriend would love the food there... Haha... I have 2 leashes and they are for his dogs... crazy, crazy dogs. When are you coming to SD again?

Heather B said...

This is way to funny. I can't remember the last time I even saw a typewriter, kids now a days would ask what is it? It's probably been about 20 years since i've layed my fingertips on the keys of one having to whiteout my mistakes...

Erica AP said...

Heather B: I know!! I bet kids wouldn't know what one was... Not even joking. I'm thinking a social experiment it at hand??? :)

Natalie said...

Brandy is not needed. You'll be so high from the smell of white-out and delirious from that lever versus backspace button you won't care.
I do love the sound of the typewriter, though. Makes you feel like you are actually working on something.
There's no way I could work quietly at 3 in the morning, though. Hell, I can't do that now!
My furious five fingers are screamers. Especially after I've written something particularly... HOT.
;)

CarmenSinCity said...

Are you fucking kidding me? They bought you a typewriter at work? I didn't even know they still make those. ha ha So funny!

Nice short story. Made me laugh for sure!

Erica AP said...

Natalie: What?? You write hot stuff? Wow... I had no idea. You need a typewriter because it uses all the senses... Except taste because I don't think you eat paper or white out. Do you??

Carmen: Haha... I know. Everyone kept walking by and saying, "What is that??" Haha... Weird!!!