Tuesday, August 21, 2007

He know's what I'm talkin' about...


You see this picture here? This little ol' bagel? Well, yeah... I'm pretty sure it came from heaven.

If you don't know what I mean then you don't know anything. Well... you may know lots of things but you don't know anything about a low carb diet.

Things I've learned while trying not to eat processes carbs:

1: I love you bread
2: Bagels are from heaven
3: Chocolate (dark) is made to savor in an almost orgasmic way

In this time of trying to get healthy for bathing suit season, I've realized that I don't have as strong as will power as I thought. I swore I would never be one (I totally just wrote "bee won" haha...) of those bloggers who writes about what she had for lunch but you know what? When you aren't eating god damn carbs you have a god given right to talk about all the wonderful Wonder Bread you ate. Fuck you guys!! This is my blog.

So I might have eaten a whole bag of hot fries... You know what I mean... It's those cruchy fries that Cheetos make that force me to say, "Holy hell, these are hot!!" about 3 times. That's pretty hot for a girl like me. I used to never be able to eat anything spice hot. Now I fucking love it... It's slightly like drug... It releases endorphins I never even knew I had!!

In conclusion, if you are on a low carb diet, just fucking eat a cheeseburger once and a while because I think we all need to get a little closer to heaven.

God loving/fearing,
EAP

41 comments:

Gregg O'Connell said...

you're fucking creepy dude! hahahahahahahaha

how was that dark chocolate we gave you?

J~ said...

i do have to say that from my experience weirdly giant foods taste like shit. like if you ever try to make a gigantic pancake - never comes out right.

Ryan said...

MMM oh man this is so good. Oh! Hi there. Sorry I was just enjoying a nice bread sandwich.

Hot fries are good but be careful with them. I know a kid who stuck one in his ear and now he can't read anything unless it's in Swedish.

blog Portland said...

Just take a tablespoon of Metamucil with every piece of bread you have and the net carbs will even out. As for your BM's, well, you really need to figure out how committed you are to all of this.

CarmenSinCity said...

I LOVE bagels and bread and all that goes along with carbs. I tried the low carb diet and I couldn't hack it.

Erica AP said...

Gregg: The dark chocolate is awesome!! It's got liquor in it!!

J: That would make sense because how would you cook the inside of it with out the outside getting burnt? But the question is, have you ever eaten a giant bagel??? Humm???

Ryan: There is no reason to rub bread in my face... Haha... So are hot fries made by Swedish people? They are cool because they have blond hair and blue eyes.

Portland: So you are suggesting I go on a laxative diet? I heard that's really healthy. And I'm fully committed to my BM's.

Carmen: I know... I LOVE bread, and I do good for a month or 2 but after that carbs infiltrate my being. Haha...

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Why on earth would you go on a diet? You're perfect the way you are.

Wait. Did that sound lesbianist? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, but you know. You're beautiful and all but my husband would be pissed. PISSED I TELL YOU!

J~ said...

A.giant cookie - check
B.giant pancake - check
C.oversized genetically enhanced fruit and vegetables (giant) - check
D.jolly green giant beans - check
E.giant fireball - check
F.giant bagel???? - nope

see, i have eaten many giant and quasi-giant things, but i have yet to partake of a giant bagel.... damn it!

first I need to determine what constitutes being "giant"

The Diva's Thoughts said...

AMEN!!! You have neva lied!!!!

Erica AP said...

QofD: It's not like a real diet because you know... I eat hot fries and stuff. But wanted to loose my budda belly for a photo shoot. And you know I'm ok with your lesbian lovin'... I can take the heat from your husband. :)

J: You sure have eaten a lot of giant things... I guess it would constitute as being giant if you saw it and was like, "Holy shit that bagel is HUGE!" Which I actually said when I saw that picture.

Diva: Can I hear a "Hallelujah!!" AMEN sista!!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

You have a Buddha belly? I don't believe it.

...and photo shoot? You're not going to turn all Kate Moss on us are you?

Jay said...

I'm not going to say that I've been studying pictures of you on your myspace page or anything like that cause that would be really creepy and not in the good natured stalkerish way I'm usually creepy, but I really don't see any dieting need you have. You look pretty awesome to me. And, contrary to popular belief, I DO have standards too!

I had a Mexican Girlfriend when I lived in San Antonio ... I did too! Quit laughing at me like that! ... who would pour Tabasco into little bags of those Hot Fries cause they weren't hot enough for her. Of course, neither was I, but I only talk to my therapist about that.

Erica AP said...

QofD: Believe it baby!! If I'm not sucking in my belly it literally looks like I'm 5 months pregnant. I thank my dad for those genes... I will never have junk in my trunk but the Buddha will always be with me. God bless.

Jay: That's cool that you are studying my photos like a stalker. As long as you don't start looking in my windows at night and going through my trash looking for credit card offers. :) Whoa!!! Your Mexican girlfriend was hot!! Haha... Pun intended. I know - bad joke.

Mistress Empyrean said...

I had a hostess cupcake for lunch! NUM!

I thought bathing suit season was over. I was looking forward to taking out the waterproof bust fillers I use to make myself not look like plywood.

Erica AP said...

Mistress Empyrean: Oh my god - those cupcakes are da bomb!! Waterproof boob pusher-uppers?? Sign me up!!

Phronk said...

I find endorphins I didn't know I had all the time. I'm just hanging out, and they swim up to me and start squeaking and poking me, and I'm like, Where did you come from?

Oh wait, I'm thinking of dolphins.

I believe that people who look skinny are just really good at sucking in their bellies. Brad Pitt? He doesn't have a six pack; he just practices his belly-sucking skills in front of the mirror every day.

Jay said...

"As long as you don't start looking in my windows at night and going through my trash looking for credit card offers."

Well, your trash is safe cause that's really messy and I might get something gross on my shirt. And I probably can't see through your windows from here even with a cool set of binoculars. Of course I could head out right now and drive all the way to your place just to look through the windows, but I doubt I'd make it. I'm easily distracted and would probably end up looking through the windows of some lesser chick. Nothing personal though.

Blondie said...

Two people asked me if I was pregnant last week (I'm not), so I understand the belly. But I doubt you have one. Eat the bagel. The bagel loves you.

russkal said...

I wonder, does that giant bagel come with giant cream cheese?

giant pate, perhaps?

what about the dark chocolate? any giant version of it?

man, i'm starving...

morbid misanthrope said...

I used to enjoy carbs myself. Then I had to go and drink myself to death like a retard, leaving me diabetic. I'm on a low-carb, sugar-free, low-fat diet. I've been living like this for almost a year now, and I still don't know what I've been eating to stay alive. Everything has goddamn carbs, fat, or sugar in it. Sometimes I miss food from Jack in the Box so much, I feel like killing myself by drinking a can of soda.

Good luck with the diet, by the way.

M@ said...

I love you, too Erica.

--Bread

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Nope. Still think you're lying. You look too damned cute in your pics.

...and no! I'm not a lesbian! Why do you ask?

Erica AP said...

Phronk: Your dolphins poke you too?? I thought they were just picking on me. :) And I'm very good at sucking in my belly, unless I eat too much then it's all fair game. What?

Jay: Why do you have to hurt my ego so?? I can't believe you would get side tracked with some woman getting nicked in front of her unshaded window in the middle of the night!! Actually, I can believe it because all I do is play with my dog, and you know... that's not really sexy or anything... Unless you are into that kind of thing. :)

Blondie: No they didn't!!! You should have done one of those karate kick side sweep things, where you kick their legs and they fall on their asses. DONE!!! They are asses!!! Haha...

Russkal: Did you say dark chocolate? Did you say they make giant dark chocolate things??? Did you say your were going to send me some? Did you say that you would send me a life long supply of them??

Morbid Misanthrope: You can get diabetes from drinking too much? How much is too much?? I don't think I could live without sugar. I LOVE sugar. I don't know if I could live without cotton candy...

Matt: Don't tease me. I know it's not bread that loves me but that it's you. :)

QofD: I would never ask you that!!! You know if you decided to be a lesbian for me I would keep it our little secret. Haha...

Dan said...

I'll have one of those bagels ... with a side of five pounds of cream cheese please.

Captain Smack said...

I sympathize with your plight, Erica, but I feel that you're going about this whole "swim suit season" thing all wrong. We humans didn't evolve from apes just to deny ourselves the simple pleasure of eating whatever the hell we want, you know. That's the whole point of being at the top of the food chain.

Of course, with my almost supernatural metabolism, I've never had to worry about it, so maybe I shouldn't be giving you advice.

Erica AP said...

Dan: Sure, would you like a coffee with that?

Captain Smack: I have pretty fast metabolism too so I do not really deny myself too much. I still eat chocolate almost everyday and this makes me happy. Don't you know that sometimes when you write in a blog you can exaggerate the truth? Do I have to teach you everything???? :)

Heather said...

ah! I totally agree! And I really love bread, too.
P.S. I tagged you, go to me blog for deets! :)

Erica AP said...

Heather: Bread make the world go round, or gravity, but I'd like to think it was bread. :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica! I miss your blog. Post something new soon! Before I am forced to abuse another exclamation point! Too late! There goes another one!

Diesel said...

Wait, bathing suit season? Where do you live?

Erica AP said...

QofD: I'm on Labor Day vacation!! Don't you know!! I love exclamation points too!!! I think they are pretty!!!!!

Diesel: Haha... San Diego had a bathing suit season, I swear... It just lasts a little longer. :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Labor Day, was, like, over two days ago! Duh!!!!!!!!!

Erica AP said...

QofD: Yeah, but I took yesterday off so Monday is today in my head. So maybe I'll post tonight?? You sure are a bossy one, always asking me to post. Haha... Just kidding... It's nice to know at least one person wants me to write. You still coming down here this month?

Anonymous said...

Uh hello? Erica? What the f*ck happened to her? Anyone?
Matt

Erica AP said...

Matt: Thanks for your concern... I swear I will post sometime soon. I gots the shit going on!!! You wanna post for me? :)

Anonymous said...

Sure. I've been thinking lately that our oil addiction is becoming scary. Aren't we gonna run out someday? And what goes back down into the earth to compensate for all of that thick, heavy, crude oil. What if the planet gets too light? Will that affect our orbital path or revolution trend? If so the weather will definitely become more volatile. Gravity could be altered and we will either float out of bed or be stuck on it unable to overcome the force of our new super gravity. Scary stuff!! Then while listening to Howard Stern, Robin Quivers came up with the best possible solution- "Walk to work Thursdays!!"
Bad blogging at its best! -Matt

Erica AP said...

Matt: I'm totally going to post this... Haha... I've got too much shit going on and you write better than I could ever!!! Done!!!! You are my new replacement!!

Anonymous said...

Erica,
You really think its good? I can't believe you posted it!! You get tons of hits for your blog. It's pretty cool that all of your fans are gonna see it. By the way, Labor Day Weekend was over a week ago. Its time to post!! Hahaha
Matt

Erica AP said...

Matt: I don't get that many hits and I'm slacking on commenting on other peoples sites so they don't come to mine... Oh well... You probably got about 30 people reading your words of wisdom. :)

Sarcastica said...

I don't diet...I don't have the self discipline to diet :D

Erica AP said...

Sarcastica: Good because there is no need for you to diet!!