Monday, July 09, 2007
Saving the World With Coffee
I'm no Kristi with her witty banter, but when my stomach, mind and bladder have a conversation, I can't ignore them:
Mind: You know what would be fun? Alllllllllright!!! You got it...
Bladder: No - PLEASE don't do it. You know how annoyed I get when you do that, right?
Mind: Stop being such a fucking pussy. And anyway, I'm stronger than you and I can do what I want. You just have to fucking deal.
Bladder: God - you are such a prick. Did you know that?
Mind: Ummm, yeah, but I'm a prick so I don't give a shit. Good - I'm glad we are cool now...
Bladder: Well, we aren't really "cool now" but whatever.
Mind: I'm so excited... I love how coffee makes me feel. I'm pretty sure I'm king of the world and who doesn't want to be king of the world at work?? I'M THE KING OF THE MOUNTAIN!!!
Bladder: You are such an ass.
Mind: Yum... It smells so good. And with creamer and sugar, it's basically like heaven... Heaven with coffee... And sugar... Oh... and caffeine. Did mention that it makes me feel buzzed at work??
Bladder: You are going to regret you ever did this, man.
Mind: Holy shit - it taste like coffee ice cream!!!
Stomach: Um... HELLO?????
Mind: Oh, Hi...
Stomach: Did you forget all about me?
Mind: Um... Maybe - I'm trying to get a buzz at work... Why should I remember you?
Stomach: Because I'm starting to feel like shit and it's all your fault.
Bladder: I know!!!! Now I have to pee and she doesn't give a rat's ass about you or I. I can't believe how insensitive she is... Right?
Mind: Oh my god... I can totally type, like, really fast and write really witty comments on blogs. And I think when I get home I'm going to do something creative... then I'm going to clean the bathroom, and then I'm going to do the dishes and then I'm going to write an entry in my blog...
Stomach: There she goes again... God - all she thinks about is herself.
Bladder: I know!! She hasn't even let me pee yet and she knows how much I hate that...
Stomach: Maybe if we start pinching her, she will do something for us... Like stop drinking coffee or something.
Bladder: Yeah!! We need to join forces and take over this bitch!!
Stomach: Hells yeah!! You give her a bladder infection and I'll give her an ulcer and see how she likes them cookies...
Mind: Oh my god, did you see that lady... Oh my god, I could totally take her. I mean - I'm not violent or anything but If I had too... I totally could... Hahahahahhahahahahah... Oh god - I love caffeine. Man - my belly hurts and I kinda have to pee... What the fuck? Can't a girl have a cup of coffee without any bitches nagging me??? Hahhahahahahah.... I just called my bladder and stomach, bitches!! Hahahahhaha.... I love coffee...
So I peed like a champ and howled with pain. Then I laughed and wrote some comments that were funny in my head. Then I told myself I would never drink coffee again... Unless, of course, I NEEDED it...
I love caffeine,