Monday, July 09, 2007

Saving the World With Coffee


I'm no Kristi with her witty banter, but when my stomach, mind and bladder have a conversation, I can't ignore them:

Mind: You know what would be fun? Alllllllllright!!! You got it...

Bladder: No - PLEASE don't do it. You know how annoyed I get when you do that, right?

Mind: Stop being such a fucking pussy. And anyway, I'm stronger than you and I can do what I want. You just have to fucking deal.

Bladder: God - you are such a prick. Did you know that?

Mind: Ummm, yeah, but I'm a prick so I don't give a shit. Good - I'm glad we are cool now...

Bladder: Well, we aren't really "cool now" but whatever.

Mind: I'm so excited... I love how coffee makes me feel. I'm pretty sure I'm king of the world and who doesn't want to be king of the world at work?? I'M THE KING OF THE MOUNTAIN!!!

Bladder: You are such an ass.

Mind: Yum... It smells so good. And with creamer and sugar, it's basically like heaven... Heaven with coffee... And sugar... Oh... and caffeine. Did mention that it makes me feel buzzed at work??

Bladder: You are going to regret you ever did this, man.

Mind: Holy shit - it taste like coffee ice cream!!!

Stomach: Um... HELLO?????

Mind: Oh, Hi...

Stomach: Did you forget all about me?

Mind: Um... Maybe - I'm trying to get a buzz at work... Why should I remember you?

Stomach: Because I'm starting to feel like shit and it's all your fault.

Bladder: I know!!!! Now I have to pee and she doesn't give a rat's ass about you or I. I can't believe how insensitive she is... Right?

Mind: Oh my god... I can totally type, like, really fast and write really witty comments on blogs. And I think when I get home I'm going to do something creative... then I'm going to clean the bathroom, and then I'm going to do the dishes and then I'm going to write an entry in my blog...

Stomach: There she goes again... God - all she thinks about is herself.

Bladder: I know!! She hasn't even let me pee yet and she knows how much I hate that...

Stomach: Maybe if we start pinching her, she will do something for us... Like stop drinking coffee or something.

Bladder: Yeah!! We need to join forces and take over this bitch!!

Stomach: Hells yeah!! You give her a bladder infection and I'll give her an ulcer and see how she likes them cookies...

Mind: Oh my god, did you see that lady... Oh my god, I could totally take her. I mean - I'm not violent or anything but If I had too... I totally could... Hahahahahhahahahahah... Oh god - I love caffeine. Man - my belly hurts and I kinda have to pee... What the fuck? Can't a girl have a cup of coffee without any bitches nagging me??? Hahhahahahahah.... I just called my bladder and stomach, bitches!! Hahahahhaha.... I love coffee...


So I peed like a champ and howled with pain. Then I laughed and wrote some comments that were funny in my head. Then I told myself I would never drink coffee again... Unless, of course, I NEEDED it...

I love caffeine,
Erica dumbass

44 comments:

Captain Smack said...

God, at first I thought you were talking about crystal meth. I can relate, though. My mind gets into arguments with a certain organ too, only it's usually the organ that's calling the shots.

Gregg O'Connell said...

uhhh hey.....this post about coffee reminds me of a mixtue of vomit and poop ...yummy smells

Jay said...

I once thought that I could hear my internal organs talking. But, it turns out it was just my imaginary friends talking about me in another room. That's why I couldn't hear them that well. They can be so rude sometimes.

velvet said...

LOL! That reminds me, I've gotta go pee and then get myself a cup of coffee.

blog Portland said...

My body has practically the same conversation about coffee, except my colon is also involved.

Erica AP said...

Captain Smack: Crystal Meth's name is stomach and bladder? Wow... I gotta start taking that stuff, and when I do I'll ask what it's name is. Did that make any sense?

Gregg: I have a phobia about all thing vomitish... So please refrain from using those words. Thanks.

Jay: Haha... Those bastards... Didn't they realize that you could hear them? Do you know what they were talking about? I bet I could totally kick their asses...

Velvet: I'm glad I could remind you of those very important things!!

Portland: Ewwwwwwwwww... I don't know - but I think colon talk might be a bit over the top. Haha... Just kidding. You can talk about your ass all you want.

Kristi said...

Reminds me of my love affair with Dr. Pepper...that stuff will be the death of me someday.

Your bladder and my psycho alter-ego should get together someday. They'd have a vrrry interesting conversation.

Phronk said...

My brain tells me to burn things.

Oh, and you totally made me want coffee right now. Your stupid bladder and stomach are powerless even in written form! Jerks.

Erica AP said...

Kristi: I'm pretty sure if they had a conversation the world would stop turning... Like sand though an hourglass... Like the days of our lives...

Phronk: I don't know if you want to test them like that... They can be catty bitches sometimes. They have been known to start some nasty rumors, even if they are in written form. :)

Atomic Dave said...

I don't drink coffee. I used to, but like nicotine, it gives me the shits. So I stopped both.

morbid misanthrope said...

I don't drink coffee--it's terrible for you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drink a gallon of whiskey and smoke this weird vial of powder I found that looks somewhat like dried blood.

Michael C said...

That was great!! I think I'll go have 5 cups right now!!!

Erica AP said...

Atomic Dave: Thanks for letting me know about your bowel movements. It's really important to me and I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to share...

Morbid Misanthrope: Your right - fuck coffee... I have decided my new drink is Frangelico on the rocks... It's like alcoholic sugar water. I'm not sure how it will compare to your powdered blood but it's worth a try... because, you know... It's let creepy.

Michael C: I'm not sure that's a very good idea considering it's night time and stuff... But then you could write in your blog all night!!! What fun!!

Grant Miller said...

You hear voices in your head, too?

Erica AP said...

Grant Miller: No - not voices... my organs really talk... On second thought, maybe they are in my head. :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

How come your major organs get to have all the fun? No fair!

Erica AP said...

QofD: I don't know if bladder infections and ulcers are fun, but I guess if you were some kind of doctor it might be interesting...

Captain Smack said...

No, that made no sense, but then neither did my comment, so I guess they both canceled each other out, making sense out of nonsense.

That made sense, right?

Erica AP said...

Captain Smack: It seems as though you like to have things cancel out. Is that your way of staying moral and on the path of God?

Captain Smack said...

Exactly, I'm a Zen Buddhist, you know, so I like to live a balanced life, but only on Mon-Wed-Fri.

On Tue-Thu-Sat I live a very Xtreme life, so they cancel each other out.

Erica AP said...

Captain Smack: Your wisdom and way of living is mind bending. I can only hope to follow in your path and lead me to a state of pure bliss. :)

Gregg O'Connell said...

people that need coffee to give the energy and wake them up are WEAK!

i dont consume any caffeine, so im fucking awesome! fuckeeerrsss

Erica AP said...

Gregg: YOU are WEAK because YOU are little girl and don't drink beer like a MAN!!

Natalie said...

If you put that on your resume', I'd hire you.
Then your organs can be singing in terms of decaf9pumpmochaskinnynowhipextrahot180degreesmochalatte.
I think that might be a medical term.

Erica AP said...

Natalie: You would hire me?? To do what?

Mistress Empyrean said...

My mind likes to argue with my calf muscles, and by argue I mean make my calf muscles spasm and convulse nearly every night.

The bitch!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, the only thing my organs do is sit around being all organy and shit. So yours definitely sound like they are living the high life. At least they talk to each other. Mine just shuttle digested food from one place to another and have never been on speaking terms that I know of.

Blondie said...

Hah!
Creamy coffee (and other creamy substances) usually upset my stomach, too.
Was it all worth it, mind?

Sarcastica said...

Ah that happens to me quite often too. Mind doesn't listen to stomach and bladder, then I pay for it later!

But its SO worth it!

Erica AP said...

Mistress Empyrean: My solution to that would be to stop exercising!! That'll show those bitches! :)

QofD: Maybe you just aren't paying enough attention to them so you don't hear them. Or maybe they are really soft spoken. Or maybe they only talk when you are sleeping because they know how much it would freak you out if you realized your organs were talking. Or maybe they just don't talk - like you said...

Blondie: Ewwwwwwww!!! Are you being dirty?? Or are you talking about milkshakes... Because MY milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Sarcastica: I agree!! It's just too much fun to pass up!!

Natalie said...

Barrrrrreeeeeestaaaaahhhh...
(Barista)
Of course...

Diesel said...

I would like to know how your other organs feel.

Wait, I didn't mean that the way it sounds.

Erica AP said...

Natalie: Of course!! Well, I may be needing a second job soon but do you think the commute would be a problem?

Diesel: I've heard them talking and they all agree that they think I'm a prick. :)

Meggie said...

My ass likes to hold long conversations about the philosophy of religion. Coffee makes me like Beavis in "Beavis and Butthead Do America" when he's on the plane and gets all jacked up. Zzzzing! "Them's those boys that been whacking off in my tool shed."

Erica AP said...

Meggie: Did your ass go to college for philosophy? I have a friend who likes to talk about that stuff and I just usually tell them to talk to the hand - but if you were around I could tell them to talk to the ass. Behold, a fun time for all!!!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, you have milkshakes? You have a yard? There are boys in it? Wait, I thought you lived in an apartment... I'm so confused.

Erica AP said...

QofD: It's ok to be confused. Sometimes when I make my milkshake, in my apartment, the boys come and then we go out in the front yard to play volleyball, which incidentally is the only sport I'm ok at.

Tammie Jean said...

Buzzed at work... exactly! Sometimes when I have one cup of coffee, it's so good that I'm pretty sure I need another one. And then I find that I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore... it's so fun!

Meggie said...

Erica: Yeah, my ass has a double major in the philosophy of religion and foreign languages. It's real good with accents and stuff. My hooha is going for her masters in fine arts, but she doesn't talk all that much.

Erica AP said...

Tammie: I know! I get so excited about stuff that nothing bothers me... It's awesome!!

Meggie: So your hooha can paint? That's pretty impressive... More impressive than your butt cheeksspeaking a foreign language. :)

The Diva's Thoughts said...

Ok...you are just too funny!!! HAHAHHA!

Erica AP said...

Diva: Thanks!! I'm glad I could make you laugh. :)

Mistress Empyrean said...

So if I stop exercising, does that mean you're promising to have wheel chair races with me at all public locations possible?

Erica AP said...

Mistress Empyrean: Hell yeah!!! I'll be there... I think that rolling would be more fun than exercising any day, right? Is this too un-PC talk about? :)