Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Chimps or birds??


If you could be any animal, what would you be? I just got done watching a show on PBS about chimpanzees and I'd have to say it was fucking amazing. Whether you believe in evolution or not, it's crazy the similarities between humans and chimps.

They like to eat, I like to eat. They like to squawk at the top of their lungs, I like to squawk at the top of my lungs. They like to groom each other, I like to groom myself. They make tools, I act like a tool. It really quite uncanny.

So I was thinking that if I had to be an animal I might want to be a chimp because it's kinda like a human but without all the drama. Don't get me wrong... They have drama but at least they don't snap their fingers and say, "talk to the hand." Right? And I wouldn't have to worry about wearing make-up and shit. Actually - I take that back... I'm kinda of a girly-girl and like wearing make-up. But just because I'm a girly-girl doesn't mean I can't kick some mad ass!!! Mad chimpanzee ass!!! So back off bitch!! Haha...

But then sometimes I'll have dreams where I'll be a bird, flying high without the aid of drugs... I'll just be floating away like a sappy, happy love bird. (no - I'm not having sex in the air in my dream - I mean "love bird" like, "I love the world" hippie bird. An asexual hippie bird. WAIT!!! Birds don't have sex, silly!!) When you fly in your dreams it's quite thrilling. You wake up feeling like you can take on the world.

So if I HAD to pick, which one would I choose? A womanly chimp or a hippie birdie?

I think I might have to go with the bird because if I've learned anything from my childhood, it's that Sesame Street's Big Bird is way over do for a make over. And I'm not talking about some blush here... I'm talking about a Ms. Big Bird. So move over gay Big Bird - I've got something meatier!! I'm strong, yellower, a bird and ALL woman.

Are you all with me? Is the world ready for a Ms. Big Bird?

Delusional and very weird,
EAP

45 comments:

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I'm ready for Ms. Big Bird. Just because I want to see how the Big Bird species handles dicey subjects like marriage counseling and child support.

Gregg O'Connell said...

i think id choose to be a dog, that way i could hopefully eat the same meal everyday of my life and drink room temperture water

The Diva's Thoughts said...

Ok, you are certifiably nuts!! I love it. lol

Tammie Jean said...

You want to be Ms. Big Bird??? Why oh why would you choose a non-flying bird species?!

Erica AP said...

QofD: You know I was thinking about those issues and I've decided to let Hilary Clinton handle it. I just want to be on TV... Is that so wrong that I won't use my fame for the good of mankind?

Gregg: You do always think about food. You would be the most bored dog ever. But think of how healthy you would be!!!

Diva: Haha... Nuts? I thought I was just a little strange. :)

Tammy: I know - I was thinking that, but the thought of being famous and on TV outweighed being able to fly. Maybe after my 15mins of fame I'll take flying lessons. :)

Variant E said...

How about sloth? They bring laziness to an art form!

Wolf? I always wanted to be the leader of the pack.

Weasel? I've heard it many times before. All men are weasels.

Jay said...

I think we are all ready for a Ms. Big Bird. In fact, I'm kind of tired of Mr. Big Bird. He's not very nearly as easy to talk to or as compassionate as a chick .. her .. woman bird would be.

I would like to be a Giraffe. I've just always wanted to be really tall.

Atomic Dave said...

"I like to squawk at the top of my lungs" When does this happen? ;)

I would be a chimp I guess. Seems pretty easy.

Erica AP said...

Variant E: Yeah - Sloths are cute too... And they just lounge around not doing to much. I do the couch potato thing really well.

Jay: I would be a nurturing Ms. Big Bird to a point but I'm not going to be no Mother Hubbard. Did she live in a cupboard? Maybe I mean Mother Teresa??

Atomic D: I squawk when I pretend to sound like a chimp. Duh. :)

Blondie said...

Dude. Big Bird rocks.
And if yellow looks good on ya...
I'd be a bird, too. Though I'd rather be an exotic bird that has less chances of some asshole trying to shoot at me.

Erica AP said...

Blondie: It just so happens I love to wear the color yellow. :) But have you thought that maybe they won't shoot you, but try to capture you and put you in a cage? Not so fun. :)

Captain Smack said...

I think Big Bird might have something going on with Snuffalupicus. Oh, and birds do have sexual intercourse, by the way. They do it in the air, and they have to do it really quick so they don't crash into the Earth. That's what I heard, anyway.

If I could be any animal, I'd be a cat. They are the supreme rulers of the planet. They do as they please, and have somehow conned us humans into financing their ridiculously over-indulgent lifestyles. We actually think that they are doing us a favor by letting us pet them and feed them. I tried to act like a cat one time, at a party. I crawled around and rubbed against people's legs. That doesn't work nearly as well when you are a full grown human.

Around My Kitchen Table said...

How about a black widow spider? They eat their men after mating. Sex and food in one package ...... mmmm, lovely.

Blondie said...

I would love to be a cat because the boys look so peaceful stretched out on the floor after they eat with their big fat bellies in the air. So jealous.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

Probably what scares me the most about that picture is the weird bird feather fingers. And the ring on them. I can't get the image out of my head. It's very disconcerting.

Erica AP said...

Captain Smack: My virgin ears!!! Birds don't have sex and that's the story I'm stickin' to. :) So when you were a cat at a party did you have a costume on or were you just the weird guy trying to look up girls skirts?

Around My Kitchen Table: Haha... Gross... But I suppose if you were sicko killer you could do that even if you were human... Right? Not quite as excepting in the human world as the spider world, but they might make a movie about you...

Blondie on Clark: You are so right... when my belly sticks out from eating I'm usually ashamed. And they get to purr which is pretty freakin' cool.

Love & Fighter: You know I didn't even notice the rings... Haha... I noticed the necklace though... Badda-bing, badda-boom Baby!!!

Known as Ben said...

I like the chimps and monkeys. Perhaps I just like the idea of monkeys. Cartoon monkeys are good~ real monkeys remind me too much of me ~ perhaps not good.

I don't know if its true but I like the Captian's idea that birds have sex while flying... I would like to do that.

Erica AP said...

Ben: Cartoon monkey ARE cool!!! Of course there is Curious George and then there's the angry monkey on The Family Guy, and then... Humm... I got nothin' else. But you are right - they are very, very COOL!!! (or "good" as you like to say)

Known as Ben said...

How about those monkeys on that Madagasgar(sp) movie? I also like the monkeys in Shag's artwork, and that monkey on Indiana Jones was pretty cool.

The monkeys on the Simpsons also cool (not always good)

Meggie said...

Erica, you're so freaking picky about men, gimme a break. You wouldn't date Big Bird. Think about it. He's freakishly huge and has a nasally voice. Toucan Sam from the Froot Loop box might be more up your alley. Now, wait. I'm pretty sure he's a metrosexual. Well, how do you feel about metrosexuals? Wait. It's Froot Loops. He's gay. So that's out. Tweety? Tweety's kind of cute, but whiny. And shoot, he looks like he'd be easy to squish accidentally. Especially if you were Ms. Big Bird.

Oh, and by the way, it's true...birds do have sex while they're flying. Fan-tas-tic.

Erica AP said...

Ben: I hadn't thought about all of those... I think I might be dreaming of monkeys tonight. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing...

Meggie: It's nice of you to try to set me up but if I'm going to be Ms. Big Bird, I'm going to want someone tough... Maybe Chesta Cheeta? He's all bad ass and that would compliment my Do-gooder image of the first Ms. Big Bird, you know? Gotta keep the public guessing... :)

Matt said...

Chimps also like to have sex, Erica AP.

Sarcastica said...

I think I would want to be a dolphin. Or a tiger.

Erica AP said...

Matt: Yes - they do. I know that, but birds don't. And even if they did, they don't do "it" in the air while flying. That's just sacrilegious.

Sarcastica: Baby tigers the cutest think around. Besides baby monkeys... Or puppys... Or kittens...

Diesel said...

You know, until about last year I thought Big Bird WAS a girl.

Erica AP said...

Diesel: It's easy to mistake him for a girl because he's gay and all. I don't think that picture I have of him in this post, is really him. He's more of a New York Big Bird, who acts tough and manly.

Known as Ben said...

Erica: Dreaming about monkeys is always a good thing ~ unless its those guys from the Planet of the Apes... they always seemed kind of creapy to me in a sexual way.

Sarcastica: dolphin sex always seemed like a fund idea to me. They alwasy seemed like they were flying when they were fucking.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, I completely understand. Actually, I'm thinking that we should let Hillary Clinton, a pitbull, and a bowl of Jell-O handle those issues.

Move forward and use your gift for good and not evil.

Erica AP said...

Ben: You are so right... Plant of the Apes monkeys are scary to say the least. They would totally violate your body in ways a human never would... Haha...

QofD: Thank you for your blessing. I will now go on TV as a creepy yellow bird who talks and sings to children. :)

Mr. Bud said...

Erica, dear, somewhere during your raising, somewhere, lost in that vast storybook of childhood, lies the tale of...

the BIRDS and the bees.
hard to believe i know. mind boggling, and a demented vision when one thinks about it, but yes, even big bird has done the nasty. Maybe more then once. not sure though.

i can not be so sure about hillary. it only applies to living organisms.

Dan said...

I'd be a cheetah so that I could rip all of the other animals throats out and then drag them to the top of my tree.

That would be so awesome and cool.

Erica AP said...

Mr. Bud: I know that Big Bird has had sex because he can't fly. It's the people who keep telling me that flying birds have sex while flying in the air, hence ruining my pristine image of flying around dream. So I say - no way. Birds don't have sex. Period. Except for Big Bird of course. :)

Dan: How animalistic of you. You could always make some tofu and then climb a tree to get the same affect now. Right?

Mr. Bud said...

ok, ok. big bird.
but no other birds. that fly.

so... ostriches?, penguines?, Plastic pink flamingos?

no. your right with the flying thing. who's on the to... i mean, upsidedown how to they penatra.., they can't really smoke after, now can they..?

thanks for the heads up. i'm separating the pink flamingos in my yard. no naughty business around here. anywhere. inside. or out. nada. noone. noope.

Erica AP said...

Mr. Bud: That's right. You better make sure those pink flamingos can't even give each other the eye. I've heard that if they even make eye contact that they will start doing it on your lawn... And that's just not right, man!! Think about the children, man!!!

Natalie said...

I wikipedia'd Big Bird. I really always thought he was a she so, yeah, there's definitely a feminine, aka "Ms." element missing.
Did you know that Big Bird in #16 in the top 50 TV animals listed on Animal Planet? If Big Bird was a girl, I'm sure that number would be much, much higher.
As long as you look good in yellow 'cause that's what it's all about, right? And keepin' the feathers outta yer orificesesesses.
:)

Phronk said...

I think about this question almost every day, and my usual conclusion is that I'd be a bat. Then you get the awesomeness of flying without the awkwardness of no longer being a mammal. Like, imagine waking up with these fluffy things sticking out of you and a big useless yellow beak sticking out of your face. I worry about this all the time, and no sir, I refuse to be a bird.

Erica AP said...

Natalie: I'm sure that Ms. Big Bird would be at the top of the list. Of course. Females are smarter and sexier. Done!!!!

Phronk: You think about how you want to be a bat everyday?? Wow. You must really want to be bat. Would you be a blood sucking one or a fly eating one? And you know bats fly like birds so if someone saw you flying around they might mistake you for a bird. Just letting you know...

Michael C said...

Yes, Big Bird is overdue. I'm all for being a whale. They don't have to work out and watch what they eat. They get to swim happily through life in all their blubbery fatness. There are times where that is really tempting...

honkeie2 said...

Iwant to come back as an 'Oscar the Grouch'.This way I can see whats in his cans.

blog Portland said...

Either way here you're giving up some higher brain function, but at least you'll have retained the ability to project your poo at others.

Erica AP said...

Michael C: A whale actually sounds kinda nice. They seem to be really happy and they play and sing. And they just float around eating. Hummm... relaxing...

Honkeie2: Yeah - what the hell is in his can?? Please let me know if you ever find out. I'll make you a crown of my Big Bird feathers if you do...

Portland: You are right... But don't you think that life might be easier and less stressful if all you had to think about was flinging pooh? Especially when it would be social acceptable??

Phronk said...

Erica: Oh yeah, totally, it's an obsession. It's why I wear my batman leotard and cape around everywhere I go.

I'd be a bloodsucking bat, because biting sleeping animals and people is easier than chasing speedy little bugs.

And nobody would mistake ME for a bird, no way, because I'd constantly be screaming "I'm a bat! Look at me, I'm finally a fucking bat!" Plus people'd be like, "hey, that's the bird who bit me last night. NO WAIT! Birds don't bite, he must be a bat."

morbid misanthrope said...

Another bonus: Chimps have been known to eat African babies and maul adult humans. So, if you were a chimp, you could try eating human flesh without being called a cannibal. Neat!

velvet said...

I saw pigeons doing it two different times. The male puts on this big show and right after he finally scores, she wants to nuzzle and he just acts all indifferent and just blows her off.

I could totally relate.

Erica AP said...

Phronk: So was that you I saw running around biting people dressed up like batman at Comic-con? I would have tried to talk to you but you were running around like a bat out of hell... oh... That was a bad joke.

Morbid Misanthrope: That is neat!!! Who knew that cannibalism could be so neato??

Velvet: Haha... Those bastard pigeons. No wonder they have the word "pig" in their name. :)