Sunday, June 17, 2007

Tight jeans sugar...


Ok - so there are cool people everywhere. Why, hell, there are even cool people on the internet! I know it sounds a little crazy but if you are the Queen of Dysfunction, Captain Smack, Travis or the Boob Lady, you know exactly what I'm talking about. (yes - that was a compliment, guys. Your welcome.)

I actually know a lot of "cool" people in real life too. Like rock star cool. I'm not saying I'm cool by association or anything, but some people just have "it." Like Simon Cowell says... I wish some of their coolness rubbed off on me but to no avail I'm still watching from the side lines wishing I had enough courage to get a cool tattoo or piercing. (QofD - I had no idea you have your hooha pierced!!!! Can I see pictures sometime? Ok, ok... maybe she doesn't have her hooha pierced but wouldn't that be cool if she did?)

Anyway, let's steer away from the topic of QofD's hooha to someone else ching-a-ling-dong. That's right - I'm talking about the new breed of indie rockers with their retro 1980's tight ass jeans. Or should I say, tight packaged jeans...

For some reason all these boys are wearing extremely tight, black, tapered leg jeans. Sure they look kinda cute after a couple of shots and some sweet talking, but what I think about more often is along the lines of... let's just say his baby making machine. A couple of months ago my friend was talking to her Mom about how in the eighties, the guys and girls would where such tight jeans that there would be consequences. When a Mom says the word, "consequences" everyone sits up and listens. Obviously the girls would get UTI's and bladder infections but the boys??? They had it much worse. Their baby machines would stop working!!!!! Those are the pants that makes the babies go away!!!!

Now- keep in mind that I have done tons (meaning zero) research on this and have come to the conclusion that if you need to be "cool" and you happen to be a boy, that maybe, just maybe you shouldn't wear really tight jeans. Because you know... How would you feel when you are shooting blanks and it was all because you wanted to look cool??? Just get a tattoo bitch!!!!!

Just jealous,
Erica AP

48 comments:

Travis said...

There's a young upstart group here in Sacramento that calls itself "Hot Pistol" (http://ww.hotpistol.com) and they love the tight jeans....I've never understood it personally but all of the chicks seem to dig it.

incidentally they'll be playing at my wedding...if you wanna go

Blondie said...

Tight jeans on men are GROSS. I've seen this phenom plenty and it makes me kinda sick. All I can think about are the tight pants on that guy in Christmas vacation when they're shopping for dog food. ACK!

Captain Smack said...

This is why I always wear robes. They keep me cool and breezy, and I want to make sure my Baby Maker stays in tip-top shape. Someday I plan to start an army of little Captain Smacks and take over Utah.

Gregg O'Connell said...

tight jeans are lame! so are loose pants! i like medium fitting pants much more room to breathe and move!

Erica AP said...

Travis: Hmmm... I see a little bit of package on their website. I don't know... It's the new hip thing. I wonder if they know what's it's doing to there little weewees... Are you inviting me to your wedding?? Can I make a really drunk toast and make stuff up about you??

Blondie: Haha... I love Christmas Vacation!! There was this guy in Boston that used to frequent the club my friends would play at and the would call him "Snake" because he would wear these really tight jeans and you could see his package going half way down his leg... Ewwwwwwww...

Captain Smack: Not only are you holy, you are very logical... Almost as logical as Mr. Spock. You and Mr. Spock should join forces and take over Utah together with your baby making machines.

Gregg: You always know how to hit it right on the money. You always were a trend setter. You always know how to make the girls blush.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, I'm not cool. You're cool. Like super-duper-pee-standing-up cool.

Also, we need to get some of those tight jeans shipped to my family STAT! It could save the taxpayers millions in welfare payments.

Known as Ben said...

So here I am browsing my fav blogs and suddenly on seeing this my eyes try to burn themselves out... This guy is super fugugly and not only because of his pants~ its the entire package... The pants, the sandals, the shirt that makes him look a scrawny. Not good, not good. He should just wear chaps and a cowboy hat ~ at least I could respect that!

Erica AP said...

QofD: You pee standing up??? When you come down here will you show me how?

Ben: No shit!!! I saw that picture and couldn't stop saying, "Ewwwwwww!!! Gross!!" I could have put up a picture of a true indie rocker but that wouldn't have been as funny, right? :)

Known as Ben said...

I find that tight clothing is a careful balancing act between super hot and super gross. That guy has it all wrong. Just because you have a package doesn't mean you should show it to the world. On the other hand anyone with a good tummy should absolutely show it off (especially in this town). Tummys are hot.

Erica AP said...

Ben: You are very right. There is a fine line that should never be crossed. So you like looking at boy or girl tummies?? If you like boy tummies you should see Gregg doing a dance video to "girls just want to have fun" I'd have to warn you though... It's not too sexy. Haha...

Jay said...

You're the coolest of cool Erica. Most people could dream of being as cool as you.

I have a pair of really tight jeans. They werent' made to be that way, I just gained weight and they got really tight. But, that's cool cause if I go commando wearing really tight jeans the chicks will be all over me. Well, I think they would be, cause I've never really done that.

jane said...

Those jeans aren't just tight, they're spray painted on. It's 100% gross when guys wear these, ESPECIALLY in shorts. And how the hell can you not look? Fuckers.

Known as Ben said...

Erica: While I must admit to loving girl tummies, my climbing partner did catch me checking out a healthy XY chrome. tummy last week. "Are checking him out?" she said.

I think that certain things look good on boys and girls. These should be made available (say in a tight ribbed T shirt) ~ while other things are best discovered in the dark (like our friend illustrated above).

Jane: I think that it would be better if it were spray paint ~ At least it would have a natural appearance to it. Right now the entire enterprise looks like a bizarre mousetrap.

morbid misanthrope said...

If a dude is wearing anything tighter than ninja pants or a broken-in suit of armor, he's a damned pervert. Or some kind of Eurotrash. The line sort of blurs there.

Captain Smack said...

Spock and I would make a good team. He's smart and I can dance.

Malathionman said...

Class of 82. No wonder my kids are adopted.

Matt said...

That picture is disgusting, Vermont girl. :)

Phronk said...

This is why people should just avoid pants altogether. Shorts or nothing, that's what I say.

blog Portland said...

Maybe we should ship all of our tight pants to Ethiopia. Those fools got no reason havin' more babies.

Erica AP said...

Morbid Misanthrope: What do ninja pants look like? What about wrestling spandex... Is that ok?

Captain Smack: But you want to make sure he doesn't start making you feel like shit. If you are emotionally dancing and he starts to think he's better than you because he feels nothing when Ace of Base comes on? That would just suck.

Malathionman: Haha... I hope I didn't hit a sore spot with you and your 80's past. :)

Matt: I don't know... That picture might be better than a Hustler centerfold...

Phronk: So do you walk around with no pants on often? Do you wear a trench coat? Where you at the park the other day trying to show me something????

Portland: You are so political it almost makes me want to run for president. President of the tight jeans club. Don't front - you know you want to join.

Slick said...

I wouldn't be caught in jeans like them...what? And have every female in a 10 block radius following me around? No thank you.

Captain Smack said...

I don't know about Ace of Base. I seem to recall them vaguely from a long nightmare I once had (which I like to refer to as The 80's), but if Funkadelic can't make Spock shakeshakeshake his booty, then we might have some problems.

Michael C said...

I just can't find that cool. Remember though, I'm a shorts guy. That has got to be uncomfortable...think Dwight Yoakam!!
;-)

Diesel said...

That is so HOT.

mist1 said...

Sometimes, I paint my jeans on too.

Blondie said...

I don't understand the skinny jean phase... but that's just cause I'm jealous that my fat ass and hips will NEVER allow me to wear such clothing items without recieving massive amounts of public scrutiny.

Was that a run-on sentence?
And did I spell scrutiny correctly?

Hello?

Erica AP said...

Slick: You're right... Not only would all women start following you around but you might even get some stray cats and dogs. :)

Captain Smack: I'll make you a mixed tape, (yes I said tape) and one night when you and Spock are having a "meeting" you can nonchalantly put the tape in and see if you can work your magic with him. I bet if you caught him off guard he might shake his booty more than you think.

Michael: Maybe you should bring back the short-shorts for guys?? You know - since you are so experienced in the shorts department...

Diesel: I knew you would like it. I was thinking about what you would like when I put the picture up... Haha...

Mist1: Really? How do you get those hard to reach places??

Blondie: No girl can wear them unless you are a model. It's not you... It's the damn skinny jeans. And don't ever ask me to help you spell - I'm half dyslexic. :)

Michael C said...

Well, I did always want to play in the NBA back in the 1980s.

Natalie said...

And to think... in the 90's we went to vinyl pants...

It's still fun to shop at "The Pleasure Chest" but, really, who does vinyl anymore?

;)

Dan said...

Diesel is so hot.

Tammie Jean said...

That photo is almost as scary as the one of the orange body-building ladies.

Erica AP said...

Michael: Then there you go!!! I'm ordering you some short shorts and I expect a picture of you dribbling down the court. A mullet would be a nice touch too...

Natalie: What's this "Pleasure Chest" that you speak so highly about? I NEED some vinyl pants!!!

Dan: You do know that it's not Diesel in that pictures, right? Sorry to burst your bubble...

Tammie: Haha... I don't know. The orange ladies were pretty freaking nasty. I would have to say they are still winning in the disgusting department. :)

Dan said...

Yes I do. I was commenting on his comment.

Any comment?

Michael C said...

Erica, what makes you think I'm not sporting a mullet already??
;-)

The Boob Lady said...

THANKS!! I totally have been slack on commenting and reading and just saw that! I think you're pretty fucking cool yourself babe!! xoxo

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Dude Erica. You rock. And shit.

Word.

Erica AP said...

Dan: I knowwwwwww!!! I was trying to be witty???

Michael: True dat!! You are right. Just clip off a long chunk of it and mail it to me and then I'll believe you. Hummm... Is that creepy??

Boob Lady: No prob hun!! I've been slacking on reading too. I will always love you even if you never read my blog. :)

QofD: Are you hitting on me again?? Do I need to reinstate that restraining order????

slinger said...

I think the proper term for those jeans is "Nut Huggers"

I found your blog through a very long path of links, but directly from the Comment Whore.

Erica AP said...

Slinger: Haha... That's a great name for them!! Although that picture looks more like "nut squishers". :)

velvet girl said...

I think that it's a strong argument for natural selection. Anyone who thinks that jeans that tight are fashionable shouldn't be breeding.

But I can say that because I'm uncool.

Erica AP said...

Velvet: You are so logical and smart in your thinking. You obviously did not wear tight jeans... Thank god. We need more smart ones like you on this planet.

Meggie said...

His unit looks uncomfortably crunched into those jeans. And are his balls split by the seam? Doesn't that hurt? Hey, and while we're on the topic, are there any guys out there who can elaborate on the painful male situation known as bat wings? I've just come across this term recently.

Erica AP said...

Meggie: I have no idea what bat wings are... I'll have to ask some of my guy friends and do a post about it... Unless of course if it's too gross. :)

Meggie said...

From what I understand of talking with this little mechanic boy, bat wings have something to do with your balls getting really sticky...and the skin gets stuck to each thigh, so if you pull your thighs apart...bat wings. I guess. It's a fascinating concept.

Erica AP said...

Meggie: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! Boys are gross...

Meggie said...

I know...they're totally dirty.

I'm laughing my ass off because I got you to type ewwww with so many w's.

Sorry to sully your evening with my filth.

Erica AP said...

Meggie: Could you hear me saying it??? I totally was when I was writing it... Haha... And you got me all wrong... I love your filth... Haha...

Abbyfabby said...

Actually, there's no real evidence that tight jeans cause impotence-- it's just one of those old wives tales. Which makes you wonder if tight pants cause old wives...