Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Love is Blind


I might have taken a blogger vacation when my pup got hurt but now... I'm just on mo-foe vacation. That's right. I'm sitting at home, chillin' and relaxing, spent all day maxin'... (Sorry - did I totally fuck up Summertime from Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff??)

Well, anyway, I was rollin' in my 4.0 and started to get a tan on my right arm. I'm down with the right side tan. Nothing wrong with a tan that prefers the company of my right arm more than my left arm. I just wish my tan wasn't so fucking prejudice sometimes, you know?? But what is more exciting than my tan is this fake tattoo I was sporting at the time. That's right. I'm not ashamed. It was easily one of the coolest tattoos I've ever gotten. It was a heart with two actual faces on it and it said, "Love is Blind" Hells yeah!!!!!!!!! I told you it was awesome!! I might have loved the tattoo so much that I ask the massage therapist not to rub it off with her sweet love oil. Haha... Sweet love oil.... Haha... That would be a good name for something. I would say it would be good for a band name but I just don't think it would be... Right? (Man - I have got to stop second guessing myself - I kinda makes me look less self confident, right?? Damn it - I did it again. Sake - WHERE ARE YOU???????)

So when the fake kick ass tattoo finally rubbed off I was left with a very pleasant surprise. That's right - A heart tan!!!! Sure - everyone "hearts" a tan but does a tan ever heart someone??

I know, you guys can't even contain your excitement in this phenomenon. I could barely either. But now that I've had it for a couple of days I'd have to say I'm owning this shit better than a motorcycle dude with tats covering his entire body. (And I mean ENTIRE - even his peepee... Actually, I don't know if that's even allowed... Is it?) So I've decided when I go to the beach tomorrow I'm going to tape a peice of paper in the shape of a heart to make it even more pronounced. Is that weird? Do you think anyone will notice?

So if you happen to be at the beach tomorrow and you see a girl who has a piece of paper stuck to her arm, just pretend you don't know her. Because really... Who wants to be seen with a paper-heart-wearing-fake-tattoo-girl?? Not me!!!

Later working biz-niches!!
Erica

50 comments:

morbid misanthrope said...

I had a fake tattoo once. It was only fake because I forgot to pour ink into the wounds I got fighting those angry bears. There was probably a puma, too ... there's always a puma around during bear attacks.

Erica AP said...

Morbid Misanthrope: Sometimes your manliness is so overwhelming that I lose my breath. Then I take a breath and realize it was really just because I was listening to The Police "Every Breath You Take."

Tammie Jean said...

Oh Erica, how could you?! Another frickin creepy photo... I'm going to have nightmares about that guy! Good luck with your tan though...

Gregg O'Connell said...

Hey Erica,

tans are for losers! I go bright white all year long or at least I try to. People with tans are people with attitudes....do you have an atittude?

blog Portland said...

Your insanity is rivaled only by your ingenuity.

Natalie said...

Wow. What kind of person puts Charlie's eyes on their, um, what is that, the underbelly of their forearm? That is just... creepy.
Temp tatts are fun. They don't hurt at all.
However, you are left without that endorphinistic feeling and have to find that somewhere outside of yourself. And there's the rub...

lol
God, I crack myself up.
I think you should get one of those elbow-spiderweb tatts.
And a big ol' skull tatt... put it on your neck, all prison-like.
Yeah.
Cool.

Known as Ben said...

I have seen weird marketing deals where people will have a corporate logo or slogan tan tattooed on their backs like Monster energy drink or something like that.

~ if I see you at the beach I will assume you are part of a complex corporate marketing phenomena.

Erica AP said...

Tammie: I'm so sorry for scaring you. I really just thought it was a strange picture and was being selfish in thinking it wouldn't affect anyone else. Do you forgive me?

Gregg: Of course I have 'tud. I walked around with a tattoo for a couple of days. How could I not??

Portland: You are so kind I may have to mail you a fake tattoo for your words of praise. :)

Natalie: Charlie Brown? Charlie Manson? Charlie who works at the grocery store? I didn't know who's eyes they were... And you are so right - I don't feel all tough and shit now... I'm thinking of getting another because it make me feel powerful. So powerful that I feel I could take over the world!!! Ok- maybe not the world, but at least my apartment building???

Jay said...

I have a cool tan too. It covers my arms from the middle of my biceps down to my hands and it covers my face and neck. I also have a tan on my legs from just above the knees to the ankles. It's just so damn sexy I can barely stand it.

Captain Smack said...

I have a tattoo of Tattoo, that midget from Fantasy Island. It's on my back, and it's actual size.

Erica AP said...

Ben: Oh yeah - I've heard about that... I should do that for my second job. I could make sweet money and feel bad ass!!

Jay: Your modesty is refreshing. If you lived in the middle of the country somewhere, I heard that they love the farmers tan. Oh wait - you do live in the middle of no where... Right? :)

Captain Smack: I heard that it was sacrilegious to get a tattoo of Tattoo... Especially a life size one. I thought of all people, you would know that...

Captain Smack said...

Yes, but the tattoo of Tattoo has a tattoo of me on his back, so they kind of cancel each other out.

(I promise that makes sense)

Dan said...

You taunt and beguile us with mention of your heart tan and then you go ahead and post a photo of some bald-headed dude.

Why do you taunt us so?

Heather said...

That picture is craaaazy! So, the little paper heart, are you gonna tape it on? How's that work? You can't mess it up! :)

Erica AP said...

Captain Smack: You were always the smart one to find the loop holes. You, smart cookie, you!! (cheek pinch)

Dan: I was going to put a picture of me and bad ass tattoo but the picture just wasn't as unique as the one I put up... Sorry to disappoint.

Heather: I was just thinking about using some double scotch tape... Do you have a better idea?

The Diva's Thoughts said...

You are crazy!!! HAHAHA. I am thinking of a fake tat. Hmmmmmm...not sure what to get. Have to think on that for a min.

Malathionman said...

I think that double scotch tape might come off. If you are going to do a job, you better do it right! Double sided carpet tape might work, it pretty much holds your carpet to the floor. Epoxy or staples would work too.

Erica AP said...

Diva: I don't know... I think that the heart with wings is making a comeback. Just an idea. :)

Malathionman: Your knowledge of adhesives is very impressive. Any other ideas? I think I'm going to make a list, close my eye's and just randomly pick one. :)

Blondie said...

I'm going to tape "HI" on my forehead and let it burn. :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Did you just call me a biz-nitch? I feel... so... violated.

The heart tattoo is kind of gay except when you do it Erica. Then it's kind of cool and unexpected. Like when a goth kid professes his love for puppies.

Erica AP said...

Blondie: I think that people will probably say "hi" to you a lot if you do that. That might feel nice in the beginning but after a while... Maybe not so much. Let me know how it goes... :)

QofD: I only call you biz-nitch as a form of endearment. I swear. And it's ok if you think it's gay. Because gay means happy!!!! And I'm one happy heart wearing girl!!! La,la,la,la...skip, skip, skip...

Sarcastica said...

I love fake tattoos, theres no way I'd ever get a real one. Those days when I feel like tanning, I put a heart cut out on my stomach and tan...it turns out almost the same :)

Michael C said...

That paper thing for tanning is a great idea! Now, what image do I use? How about my blog address??

You should sell those paper things! I'll only ask for a small cut of the profits if they're successful...

Natalie said...

I wonder if I should get a heart tatt now... considering it's so "gay" and all.
I've heard that lesbians really wear their hearts on their sleeves. Technically, that would be a patch or a stencil or something.
Right?
I wonder if that's a girlscout thing.
I have lots of wonderings.
All because of you.

Erica AP said...

Sarcastica: That's awesome!! At least a tan doesn't last forever. :)

Michael C: I think it might be hard to do your web address because wouldn't you need to cut it out all backwards... Or am I thinking of something else? And of course you will get a small cut of the profits. :)

Natalie: Let me ask a couple of my lesbian girlfriends and I'll get back to you. I mean, if they do it all the time they must know the in's and out's of fake heart tattoos... :)

Matt said...

You are one of the best things to come out of Vermont since... um, President Coolidge?

I got a tan on my LEFT side from driving. Here on the East Coast, feller, we drive on the LEFT side of the road, exposing that arm to the sun. Ahh reckon in Mexifornia there're no laws and you can drive wherever the hell you want.

Erica AP said...

Matt: Haha... You know I'm from Vermont so I can't tell my left from my right... I laughed when I read your comment. You gotta keep my redneckness in track!!!

Slick said...

A blogging break...now a vacation? Damn, lazy ass :p

Hell, I'd let you "sport" my tattoo around if I could take the damn thing off.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I clicked on your site this morning and now that I really look at the photo you posted I'm kind of creeped out because the guy looks like the dude from New Kids on the Block that one of my cousins was in love with. Only with tattoos.

Gah!

velvet girl said...

Actually, I've seen a photo of someone with a tattoo on his "pee-pee", so it must be allowed. Desirable is another matter. Ouch.

Having some ink myself, I think you have the right idea. Saves a ton of money on laser surgery. ;)

Atomic Dave said...

DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince are the shiznit, baby!

I wonder if Jazzy was ever pissed that, even though his name came first, Fresh got the most attention? Discuss....

Erica AP said...

Slick: You are too kind to offer your tattooed skin if you could... But I think I'll stick to my paper heart for now... You know - it's a little less creepy than wearing someone else skin... Ewwwwwwww.

Sam said...

Found you on the Blog Babes list at www.bangableblogbabes.blogspot.com and think that you were robbed! They should have voted you in as #1, cause you're haut! Creepy pic of that guy, though.

Erica AP said...

QofD: Don't be frontin'!! I know you are just disguising your love of the New Kids by saying they are creepy. But I have a feeling you might have their poster hanging up inside your closet...

Velvet: Really?? On his pee-pee... Haha... Pee-pee... Haha... Um - I kinda want to search for pictures now, but I don't really want to be sent to all sorts of weird porn sites...

Atomic Dave: You know - you are probably right. They probably got into tifts all the time over that. But I mean with a name like DJ Jazzy Jeff how could you go last??

Sam: Awe... Thanks for boosting my blogger ego. My writing will thank you for years to come...

Atomic Dave said...

Erica - I linked to you in my post today... a little shout out to the hottest girl I know in SD.

Erica AP said...

Dave: It's nice to have you back and thanks for linking me but where is your new blog??? Your name goes to the deleted Atomic blog...

Atomic Dave said...

Oops, I forgot to share my profile.

lemonedge.blogspot.com

Erica AP said...

Dave: Linked, linked and linked... Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

Phronk said...

I have a tattoo on my pee-pee that says "fuck" normally, but when I'm, uh, happy, you see that it actually says "firetruck".

Sorta like those Mad Magazine fold-ins. Like this.

And it's in a huge font.

Diesel said...

2nd guessing is ok, but I hear the 3rd guess is the charm.

Meggie said...

Dudette, yeah the whole tatting on the 'peepee' bit...no problem. While I was in tat school we heard some good genital tatting stories...including a chick who had a ring of fire tattooed right directly onto the little puckered bit of her asshole, man. Owwwww! Not like, that hurts kind of owww...but more like a rock-on badass sphincter art girl owwwww.

Erica AP said...

Phronk: I'd have to say that's one impressive penis tattoo. I'd say I'd like to see it but I think you might get the wrong idea. :)

Diesel: Really?? Ok then... I'm 3rd guessing myself all the time.

Meggie: Meggie!!!! Owwwwwwwwwww is right! I'm assuming she really liked butt sex??? Or maybe she just had really bad hemorrhoids?? Yeah for you commenting!!!

Meggie said...

Maybe she considered herself a Toot Queen. Maybe she really likes Johnny Cash. Maybe she eats a lotta spicy foooooood. I don't know. Pretty hot stuff, though. No doubt.

Erica AP said...

Meggie: I don't think I would think that was hot if I saw that while I'll was making sweet, sweet love to someone... But to each their own... I guess. :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, you need to write a new post. Not that your old ones are bad, because they're not. But we just like to read the new stuff because you're like a blogger genius and shit.

Erica AP said...

QofD: I know - I slacked this week because of the 4th, and I think I'm still on vacation, and vacation means no responsibilities, not that blogging is a responsibility but it is a little bit when people write pissed comments about how I didn't update, but then I forgive them because they say I'm awesome and shit. :) (there's some run-on love for you)

Around My Kitchen Table said...

Great blog! Tattoos and tans can be extremely problematical. At least a tan fades, not so a tattoo! I wrote something about tattoos a few weeks ago. I'm just about to read a bit more of your blog.

Erica AP said...

Around the Kitchen: Thanks!!! Your blog is funny too!! And I'm all set with a tattoo that I may or may not like when I'm old and wrinkly. :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Dude. Erica. You know how much I love run-on love. It's like real love. Only better. And with run-ons.

Erica AP said...

QofD: You know, you are the only one I give run-on love to, right? I could never cheat on you...