Sunday, May 20, 2007

Pumpin' some Tool


This is something I shouldn't get so hyped up about but fuck it. I did and now I'm writing about. I drove through a fast food joint (no - it wasn't Wienerschnitzel) and I decided to park and eat in the parking lot so that I didn't have to drive like a freaking maniac while eating the best burrito that fast food can offer. So while parked and listening to my favorite tunes a girl and a boy come up to my window and want to talk to me.

OK. I can fucking talk to someone for a minute but when she starts going on about how the Lord would bless me and send me to Heaven if I gave her some money for food I get a little pissed.

I guess I should have some compassion for people like this but you know what? I don't. I get more pissed off than when my favorite song doesn't come on the radio. When Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone" is not blaring on my speakers I get pissed. Haha...

Actually, I just get pissed because you don't see me fucking begging for money. I work 2 freaking jobs to support myself and sometimes I don't have money for groceries. Those 2 bucks that I spent on fast food was a fucking treat. That's right begging-bitches. Go get yourself a fucking job or 2 or 3... That's what I've done and I get pissed that someone has the gall to ask me for the money that I've spent working 70 hours for.

Ok... So now that I've ranted for a bit, I'm going to go and crucify myself for being such a selfish bitch.

You can call me self righteous hoe bag if you want... I don't give a shit.

What I do give a shit about is eating my veggie bean burrito in peace, in my car, with a little bit of Tool pumpin' on my Toyota Corolla factory made speakers.

So if you don't like what I'm dealin' then I suggest you go to the next Black Jack table. Thank you for your time and I hope to see you in the future.

Parking with my only lover, Mr. Burrito,
Erica AP

44 comments:

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Gotta love beggars. Up here it's assholes approaching you at gas stations asking if you'll swipe your credit card and fill up their tank. Mother fucker!

Matt said...

I feel bad sometimes about the elderly begging but if they're younger, not so much.

Gregg O'Connell said...

"beggers cant be choosers" right?

dude i hate seeing any pople holding signs asking for money. shit fi you can hold a sign asking for money you can be a fucking sign spinner!

am i right? thumbs up?

The Diva's Thoughts said...

I am so reluctant to give beggers money because I've seen firsthand how they scam people with that routine.

Slick said...

Shoot, I'm right there with you.

Flippin' burgers is better than nothing at all! I can't stand beggars either.

There are jobs out there.

Erica AP said...

QofD: I could write a whole other post just about beach bums. They dress and eat better than I do but they just want to surf all day so they beg instead of getting a job... I've also seen people asking for money so they can fill up their gas tank. Assholes!!! All of them!!! :)

Matt: Yeah - around here there are some old ones but it's the young and able bodied ones that piss me off the most. :)

Gregg: Thumbs up is right!! Haha... Yesterday I saw the best sign spinner ever!! I could never do that kind of work... Their arms must get so tired!! Then I saw another one were she was just kinda dancing around holding the sign with a big smile on her face... haha... I got more of a kick out of seeing her than the guy flipping and spinning and doing tricks.

Diva: That's what pissed me off so much this day, was that there was a big group of them working the whole parking lot, like it was their job or something. I don't know if it was a scam but it pissed me off non-the-less.

Erica AP said...

Slick: Yeah - they could have just applied at the fast food joint that they begging outside of... Then they could get free food and money for working there!!

WAT said...

I resent people begging me for cash too, but it depends. If they're really old and sickly looking to work, I kinda give in, but it's the real young ones that shock and upset me.

Yeah, why should we have to go out and work, and they're doing WHAT AGAIN? BEGGING ME/US?

I agree.

Brie said...

i fell in love with your blog after the first paragraph. you are hilarious, and I found you through the fabulous AmyD, and can I link you?

Joefish said...

This post title is so misleading. I want a refund.

Erica AP said...

Wat: My roommate will actually give food to them but it's usually the ones NOT asking for it!

Brie: Of course you can link me!! Thanks for stopping by!

Joefish: Well, I don't believe you gave me any money to read this post so I'm pretty sure all I can do it refund a part of your lost time for reading it. But then again I'm no time traveler so that might not work either... Let me ask the magician that lives in my closet when I get home and I'll get back to you on your refund options.

Jay said...

The ones that really kill me are the people who ask if I'll give them a ride somewhere. Yeah, sure like I'm gonna let some nasty, smelly crack head get into my car. NO. FUCKING. WAY.

There was a girl outside of a Wendy's once that asked for money or if I would buy her a burger. She was willing to work though. She offered to blow me for some food. LOL

I passed on the blow job, but did buy her a burger. I figured that was one less trick she'd have to pull. I know I'm stupid. Oh well it was just a burger.

Also, I'm so happy to find another Kelly Clarkson fan. She is sooooo totally awesome and hot too. I just love her ... oh ... you were being sarcastic weren't you?

Now I'm really embarrassed.

Joefish said...

Forget about the refund, loan me your magician.

Erica AP said...

Jay: Holy shit!! Really?? She said she would give you a BJ for a cheeseburger!! I'd probably buy her a burger too. Then I'd make her a mixed CD of all my favorite Kelly Clarkson songs. Haha... Or do you want that CD???

Joefish: Ok - fair deal. But if you treat him like crap you will have me to deal with, seeing as I'm his pimp and all.

Winter said...

Man I'd kill for a burrito right now.

And I mean KILL.

P.S. I love tool, might I suggest a little perfect circle as well.

Dan said...

I can't believe you didn't save me any of that damned burrito!!

You selfish self righteous hoe bag!

CarmenSinCity said...

I hear ya!! I can't stand the beggars either and there are so many of them out here in vegas.

Betty said...

I wouldn't dream of calling you such a rude name, southern lady that I am. However, I agree with you about the beggars. I'm sorry they have to beg, but, I have been one inadequate paycheck away from living in a van down by the river, too, in my life, and like you, I held down two jobs and just sucked it up. Good for you.

Michael C said...

I agree with you - 'inside car drive-through eating' should be an uninterrupted special time.

The Boob Lady said...

I hope you were playing "sober", it's one of my favorites.

Enjoy a burrito for me!!

xo

Captain Smack said...

This might not be the best time to bring this up, Erica, I know you're busy, but I'm in kind of a rough spot lately, and I was wondering if you might be able to spare a few dollars...

If you do, I'm pretty sure God will bless you and let you into heaven, and possibly even make your boobs bigger. So gimme. Gimme some money.

Erica AP said...

Winter: When is it not burrito time??? Umm... Never. :)

Dan: I was kidding when I said you could call me that. But I'll let this one slide because, like you said... I didn't save you any of my burrito.

Carmen: When they get money do they gamble it away or do they buy alcohol like the rest of them?

Betty: Thanks!! Having 2 jobs is not something I like doing but it's what I have to do. I wish someone had installed those ideas into their brains when they were younger...

Michael C: It sounds like you take your, "inside car drive-through eating" very seriously. I'll make sure to never disturb you if I see you chowing in your car. :)

Boob Lady: I can't remember what song I was listening to but I just remember it emphasized my mood... Haha...

Captain Smack: Just because you look like Jesus doesn't give you the right to make me feel guilty for not giving you those 1942 pennies I've been saving. You know they are probably worth about 2 cents now...

Gregg O'Connell said...

maybe they should just uthinize bums? population control?

Erica AP said...

Gregg: You were always a problem solver... But how would you feel if someone said they should euthanize all XBox players? Lazy population control at it's best!!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, if they're begging for change they probably aren't eating that well and somewhat malnourished. So next time you are approached by a beach bum I suggest you wrestle their surfboard away from them and attack them with it.

Erica AP said...

QofD: I know that I'm a very strong woman... Almost one with superpower abilities but I would never subject the beggars to my mighty wonders. Meat heads, maybe. But beach bums... I don't think so.

123Valerie said...

In situations like that, I offer a bite of my burrito.

James Burnett said...

Here, here. I try to have compassion. But most beggars I've "met" suck and are conniving.

tony said...

I love the beggers who come up to you at the gas station and use the ol' "could you please lend me some money so me and my family can get some gas to complete our journey to Somewhere, USA?" I say, "sure, hop in the truck and take me to your car so I can meet your family!" They oft decline.

My other favorite is when a homeless person stops me on the street and says, "Sir, could you help the homeless?" I say, "sure!" and hand them the classified ads.

Erica AP said...

Valerie: I have a feeling that a bite of your burrito is not what they want. :)

James: Hummm... That seems to be the consensus.

Tony: You have great comebacks!! I always think of mine 5 mins later after the shock of being interrupted wares off. :)

Natalie said...

I have been trying, for days and days, to make a comment here. Your comment box hates me.

When I was visiting SD recently, I went to OB and was almost immediately assaulted by smelly, pretend-dread-locked people wanting money for "food" and, you know, some other kind of substances.
I must have seriously looked like a tourista. I have to confess... I was wearing a fucking-fanny-pack which, by the way, is a dead giveaway.
I would never ever ever ever let someone mess with me and my burro...
It would mean hot sauce in the eye... and a quick getaway.
I just wanna tell 'em to get a haircut and a job but then I think I sound like Richard Nixon, or something.
ha!

velvet girl said...

I lost all sympathy for able-bodied beggars when I lived in Philly and the beggars that I passed on my way to work made more money than my starving-working-two-honest-jobs ass did.

Feel no guilt. Really. I would have asked them why god hadn't helped them out by lining up a job for them.

velvet girl said...

After reading some of the other comments, I had to add that when some generally employable person sticks a cup of coins in my direction and says "Change?" I usually say back, "No thanks, I've already got some."

Talk about a heartless hoe bag.

Erica AP said...

Natalie: I know!!! OB has the worst ones because they just want to surf and not work. I can't stand them there! I should carry around a hot sauce squirter!!

Velvet: One of my friend actually told me that the homeless make $35,000 a year. I'm not sure were she heard it but if that's the case then I might just have a new career. Haha...

morbid misanthrope said...

I remember once getting asked for money and a ride to the other side of Clairemont by some hippy. I lit her on fire and kicked her into traffic. She's now gainfully employed as the ugliest speed bump in San Diego.

Erica AP said...

Morbid: Clairemont San Diego?? Are you from here? Tell me exactly where the speed bump is and I'll make a homemade sign on some orange poster board and picket that I think you should be mayor...

Diesel said...

Tool freakin' rocks.

Diesel said...

Thanks for the link(s), btw. I'll get you added to my blogroll and the humor-blogs list shortly....

Erica AP said...

Diesel: No prob!! I'm all about supporting funny writers! :)

thethinker said...

I don't feel bad about the beggars that try to harass me into giving them money. Most of the time, though, I have absolutely nothing to give them.

Erica AP said...

Thinker: I know... I never have money to give them either! They think just because you drive around in a car you have a lot of money but they for get most of us don't own these cars...

ms. biped said...

you know. i think that if someone came up to me and said, "Hey, i don't like to work. i like to just hang out all day with bongos and devil sticks, and i depend on the generosity of others to get my food," then i might give them some money to reward them for honesty. it's when people try to play on certain things like "God wants you to give me money," that makes me irritated.

Erica AP said...

Ms. Biped: There is this homeless guy around town who holds a sign that says, "Let's be honest. I really just need a beer." And I always see people give him money because he makes them laugh. I know that I laughed when I saw it and if I had some extra money I probably would have given it too him. And I love beer!!! Haha...

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, I've come up with a solution to your panhandler problem:

Look worse than them.

So yeah, it means that you'll have to gain about 150 pounds, start chain smoking, maybe carting around oxygen and wearing Wal-Mart rejected clothing but hey, you can't have it all can you?