Sunday, April 15, 2007

You think you are so smart, huh??


I have a small bladder... Maybe it's a girl thing but I don't think so. When I was in Junior High I had a couple of friends (believe it or not) and they called me Peanut because I had to pee all the time. I wouldn't really call that a nickname but if you really think it is - ok. I guess at the time "Peanut" was better than "Loser" so if you still wanted to call me that today, I probably wouldn't mind. I mean "Peanut" not "Loser." If you call me "Loser" I'm bound by the laws as the badass I proclaim to be to come find you and kick your ass. But just to let you know I'm a non-violent person so my version of kick your ass would probably entail me getting you some bottled water from your fridge and maybe some chocolate and then after you have drank it all I would bop you on the head with it. DONE!!! I'm a fucking badass... Deal with it bitch!!

So... you might be thinking, what the fuck is this post about anyway? I know she's not going to beat me up and pee on me while eating peanuts... Or am I?????

No - I guess my problem is not with the peeing per say, but with the soap I have to wash my hand with afterwards. Of course I'm talking about my work bathroom soap. It smells ok, it works ok, but once and a while someone will be cheap and water down the fucking soap!!! I can't even tell you how much this grosses me out. Well, actually I can because that's what I'm doing now...

I'm just a LITTLE germ-a-phobic and I have this notion that when soap is watered down that it's got tons of germs in it... Haha... I know it might sound a bit ridiculous, but think about it... The cleaning lady comes in and realizes she's out of soap. She's a problem solver who used to be in on the math team in high school so she decides to add water so it will last longer. What she doesn't know, is that germs are in water!!! So not only do the germs have a party in the soap container, they are also getting trashed at a frat party all over my fucking hands!! Just like that Mucus commercial where the green guys party all day and all night.

Damn Harold (that's what I call the Mucus guy)... He keeps filling my head with these crazy germ thoughts and all he does is sit back and have a good laugh at me. That bastard. Someday when I meet him I'm going to kick him right in the nads. Haha... I just wrote nads... Haha...

So until that day, Mr. Harold, I'll be holding my breath... well, not really but it sounds like I'm hardcore though, huh? Hells yeah!!!!!!!!!

Water-bottle-smacker,

Erica

51 comments:

Gregg O'Connell said...

you're easily the most crazy lunatic person i know! good luck in blogger idol fruitcake!

Matt said...

You're from Vermont, you must be a losser.

Jay said...

Instead of worrying about the germs in the watered down soap bottle, I just concentrate on all the germs on the faucet. And the germs on the little lever on the soap dispencer. And the button you push for the hot air hand drier.

Have fun with that Ms. Germaphobe. ;-)

dave evanns said...

And dont forget the door handle too, that is COVERED in germs.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, if the germs are trashing your skin in a soapy frat party then there is a very simple solution: call their little germ parents who can then yank the germ trust funds.

Duh.

dirty said...

May I suggest carrying around one of those new hand sanitizer spray bottles in the shape of a pen...You can put in in your pocket protector with the rest of your pens.

My husband takes one to work with him. I think he has the same visions as you when it comes to germs and yes, that makes you a freak...congratulations!

Erica AP said...

Gregg: You are easily the most germaphobic person I know. You won't even go to the bathroom in public. Right? Or did I just make that up? Haha...

Matt: So are saying that you are a loser too? Looks like it.

Jay: Oh - I do but I figure I'm washing my hands and I use my wrist to turn off the water and my elbow to get paper towels and I open the door with the paper towel... haha... It sounds crazy but have you ever noticed how many people don't wash their hands after they do their business? Exactly.

Dave: Covered - read what I wrote to Jay... :)

QofD: Wow - that's a great idea, but what if they decide to get into the dark side of germ world and start stripping to stay in school. I really don't want those kinds of germs either... Who knows where they've been. :)

Dirty: Humm... I've never heard of that before, but it sounds interesting. But you know, I hate using antibacterial soap because when the supergerm comes I want to be able to fight it. And it will come... Haha... Wow- that really makes me sound crazy but I've read about it... It's a real thing that will probably happen. I'm sure it's on Wikapedia but I'm too lazy to link it.

Slick said...

From one germaphobe to another....

I feel for ya :)

Water bottle and chocolate? Yeah, I'm all for that!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, that's easy. Then you just introduce pimp-germs to lure them away to the men's restroom aka The Gentlemen's Club.

The Diva's Thoughts said...

This is crazy! Don't worry about the germs in the water darlin. It's not that serious. This was a funny post.! lol

Natalie said...

This post made so much more sense when it read, "Looser" 'cause I actually got the part about icky, watery, soapy, frat-germs. The "Looser" the thought, the grosser the germs. Ya know? Or am I just being esoteric?
I'm not sure I understand this now.
Except that tiny bladder part.
I had a thought about that but now I gotta pee.
'scuse me.
BRB

Erica AP said...

Slick: So you like chocolate and water too? Nice!!!!!!

QofD: That's why I have you around. You are always there to solve my problems and be the smarts in my head.

Diva: Haha... I know it's not a big deal - I just like to be dramatic sometimes. :)

Natalie: Now I'm confused again... I'm really bad with spelling... Gregg told me to change it because I wasn't loose back in junior high... You know?? I didn't even know what sex was back then - because I was a loser... Haha...

Malathionman said...

Why don't you just lick yourself clean? Millions of dogs and cats can't be wrong.

Wouldn't that be PEEnut?

The Boob Lady said...

OMG, I hate when people water down the soap. I know exactly what you mean. Shit!!

I carry a small bottle of Purel around with me EVERYWHERE.

Betty said...

So, I guess you don't see anything, er, unusual about "Monk", right?

Michael C said...

They water down our soap too. Does it even save the company a whole penny??

WAT said...

Where's that email I got at work today regarding the amount of fecal matter we drink in our water, even if bottled!

OOPS! Nevermind, y scare u more than u already are.

Erica AP said...

Malathionman: You are right!! But my dog does get smelly sometimes so I'm not so sure that would work all the time. Also someone told me that the PH in dogs saliva is way higher than ours so I might be adding more germs to my hands when I lick them. Haha...

Boob Lady: You are smart to do that. There are germs in the soap!!! Haha...

Betty: I'm not nearly as bad as Monk... He's got some real OCD things going on. I just don't like watered down soap... Nothing crazy here... Haha...

Michael C: I know - I'm sure it doesn't save them much at all. Even cheapo brand would do...

Wat: Whatchu gotta go and do that for??? Now I can't even drink water with my chocolate!! :)

Natalie said...

Sex? hahahaha!
That actually made me laugh out loud. You are deliciously punny. Not to be confused with runny as in Runny Babbit not um runny as in soapslicks.
Have you ever noticed that soapslicks and oilslicks look almost identical on asphalt?
I did once.
Kinda makes me wonder about those moisturizing soaps and what kind of oil/soapslick it would make.
These kinds of things pop into my swirling-dervish-brain when I'm inspired by such wittiness.
Don't worry about the spelling; it's my damage, not yours.
;)

Anonymous said...

Congrats Erica!
I knew you had it in you! You're a really good writer, and you deserve to be the first American Blogger. Future champions will have a lot to live up to!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Congrats Erica on Blogger Idol! Can we celebrate by buttering our asses and shaking them like they're hot?

Jay said...

Congrats on winning Blogger Idol Erica. I had a feeling your were goign to win.

Promise you will still be the same person that you've always been now that you are an EVEN BIGGER star and you won't start big timing us? ;-)

Erica AP said...

Natalie: Soapslicks??? Oh shit... Something else to worry about. And I love your rambles - coherent or not... Haha... That's got to be one of the reasons why you can write about your dreams so clearly. :)

Anonymous: Thanks!!! That's a lot of pressure to live up to being compared to Kelly Clarkson and all... Oh? You didn't compare me to her?? Well, I'll show you!! Just kidding - I'll show the world!!!! Haha...

QofD: What if we don't butter them but just put hot sauce on our asses because then we won't have to fake it like they are hot. Because they will literally be hot. Humm... Maybe the butter idea is better...

Jay: I'll try to keep my ego in check - but if it ever does get to big I know the perfect pimp to put me in my place. :) As long as you don't make me wear pasties like that girl in that picture...

jane said...

How can there be germs in water if you rinse the soap off your hands with water? Isn't that like cleaning your hands & then immediately dirtying them?
I agree that it's BS they add water to the soap though.

Erica AP said...

Jane: Well, you know how if you leave water in a bottle for a long time bacteria grows in it? Well - just imagine how long that watered down soap will last... And you got yourself some dirty soap!!! Haha... I love reasoning with myself...

CarmenSinCity said...

Congratulations on blogger idol!

As I was sitting here reading your germ post, I reached over and used my anti-bacterial hand gel from Bath and Body works because I just came from the bathroom and now I'm worried that the cleaning lady watered down my soap. Thanks A LOT!

Captain Smack said...

You people are crazy with all your hand-washing germophobia. Germs are your friends, stop killing them.

And besides, as long as you don't pee on your hands or touch the toilet seat, why do you need to wash your hands anyway? What exactly are you doing in there, Erica? Hmmmm?

Erica AP said...

Carmen: Haha... I'm glad I can make you just as crazy as I am. :)

Captain Smack: Well, us girls have to close the stall door. That's probably the worst thing in there because not only do tons of girl touch it, they probably pee and pooh on their hands and then touch it again... So - it's not that I'm dirty for peeing - it's the other girls that are dirty for peeing. I must make sense now, right?? :)

velvet girl said...

I. HATE. Watered. Down. Soap.

It's gross. You might as well be rinsing your hands with plain water.

Erica AP said...

Velvet: EXACTLY my sentiment... I feel dirty using it!!! High five!!

Captain Smack said...

whoa, whoa. Time out. Hold up a sec. Back up.

"not only do tons of girl touch it, they probably pee and pooh on their hands"

Let me get this straight: Are you telling me that women are that filthy? They pee and poo on their own hands??? Christ, no wonder you females are so crazy! You probably have mad cow disease or something.

Although... that would explain the whole psychotic obsession about putting the toilet seat down...

Dan said...

I cracked up my grandmoter and great aunt when I was a tiny tyke. My brother once called me, with extreme disdain, a "little peanut" because I was two years younger and two years shorter than he was.

I turned to him and said "yeah? well you're a little cashew".

I had no idea why they laughed so hard. :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

See Erica? See? There's that Christ as a cop Captain Smack guy again.

Quick, say something clever and make him come back!

Erica AP said...

Captain Smack: I don't know what other girls do - I just assume they are nasty like that because why else would I have these phobias??? Hum??

Dan: That is cute... You still don't get it huh? That's ok peanut... :)

QofD: Do you have a crush on Captain Smack?? I thought you had a crush on me? Well, I'm a good friend so I'll put in a good word for you... CAPTAIN!!!! HELLOOOO??? I HAVE SOMEONE I WANT YOU TO MEET...

Tammie Jean said...

Oh geez... way to spread the paranoia! Now I'll have to carry Purel too...

Dan said...

Yeah? And you're a little almond! So there!

Erica AP said...

Tammie: Haha... I'm good at that, huh? Everyone should become germaphobic so I won't seem as weird!!

Dan: That's kinda cute - I would rather be called an almond more than a cashew... Wouldn't you, peanut? Haha...

James Burnett said...

A fellow germophobe. Greetings! Ha ha.

Peanut, we have a state lawmaker here in Florida who went on an anti-germ tear after he went to a Chinese restaurant to eat, and when he was in the can there was no TP, no soap, no nothing. And the chef came in after him then walked out unwashed. Now this legislator is trying to pass a new state law requiring minimum TP standards for germ control.

Erica AP said...

James: Wow - that is crazy!! Good for him getting all the germs out of there!! I feel warm and fuzzy all over!

Captain Smack said...

That's ok, erica, you don't have to introduce us. I've been stalking her for the past week.

And I don't mean her blog.

heh heh heh...

(that laugh was supposed sound creepy. You got that, right?)

Erica AP said...

Captain Smack: Thank god - Introductions are so time consuming and really wear on my fragile mind. Heh, heh, heh... (that was a crazy laugh - not an evil one - just to clarify)

punky said...

http://quibblo.com/quiz/sDI3L/Who-is-better-looking
erica pick me....pick me

Erica AP said...

Punky: Done and done... Of course I would pick you. Gregg is a nasty boy who has cooties.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

That's ok, erica, you don't have to introduce us. I've been stalking her for the past week.

Ahhhh.... (heart aflutter)

This is better than the time that some guy broke into my house and woke me up by sucking on my toes. What ever happened to Teddy Bundy anyway?

Erica AP said...

QofD: Don't give Captain Smack any ideas... Unless you like that kind of thing, and you are trying to use reverse psychology?? You are very sneaky!!!

Miss Misery said...

I suggest getting that Prell stuff, its the disinfectant stuff they use at hospitals now.

I am a germaphobe too, and I use it after I've washed my hands in a public place and after I open doors. Its awesome :)

Erica AP said...

Miss Misery: Sounds like a good idea but I try not to use antibacterial stuff too much because it kills the good germs too...

Matt said...

I'm too stoned to follow this right now. I'll talk at ya later.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, what happened to the comments on your most recent post? I can't make a comment!

Miss Misery said...

Aha, I did not know about that Erica... thanks for telling me...

But I'll still keep my Prell on hand in case I'm in one of those public bathrooms with the towel thing that goes up into that box thing that like NEVER gets clean but its supposed to "help the environment" by not making trash I guess but still its really gross don't you think?

Although you probably don't know what I'm rambling about. I swear they exisit! I saw one today at my doctors office. Next time I'm there I will totally take a picture to prove its there and I'm not crazy..

Erica AP said...

Matt: When are not too stoned to comment??

QofD: I fixed it master!!

Miss Misery: I totally know what you mean... Those things are really gross and I'm sure they don't get cleaned. I think it's ok to use Prell then... :)