Monday, April 02, 2007

There's a cougar on the loose!



I used to love tigers. I used to have this long poster on my wall of an orange tiger and a white tiger lying next to each other. I'm not sure if they were "just friends" or "lovers" but I loved the picture anyway. Maybe that's why I've decided to become a cougar.

Do you even know what a cougar is? I didn't until I saw that commercial about someone's boyfriend being hit on by one, but it was really his mom. But I don't really want to be a mom who hits on her son, (that's really disturbing) but I think I'm going to start dating younger guys. Actually - the reality of it is - is that I've never dated anyone older than me. Is that weird or am I just rockin' the cradle of love? Or is it robbing the cradle of love? What the fuck does a cradle have to do with this at all anyway? It's not like I want to date a fucking 3 year old. A 19 year old, maybe... A 12 year old - no thank you.

But unfortunately when you date someone, sometimes the 12 year old comes out and all of a sudden you realize you are dating a "man" but this "man" should really be in junior high. Maybe this is just a "girl post" or something. (don't you love the quotes? I could quote everything if it makes you that happy... It kinda makes me happy, so I'm going to keep doing it for myself... That's right!! I'm selfish!! It's like I'm in high school and we are talking about that cute guy who would never even look at me but I had a huge crush on... Charlie... Did I say that outloud?? Shit - he's probably a fucking looser now anyway...) But sometimes even when I meet older guys they seem to be the same 12 year old that I've dated before. Why do all these guys want to be taken care of and play video games all day? I really have nothing against video games, per say... But it's more of the being taken care of thing that creeps me out. Why do I have to be your Mom and sleep with you??? If I wanted to be a Mom I would have a freaking baby.

So maybe I don't want to be a cougar. Unless this cute non-gay model comes up to me and is like, "You are one sexy be-atch and I don't see any wrinkles so do want to go to the zoo and see the tigers?" In that case, I may just say it's ok. Again - as long as he's not gay and at least 19 years old. Oh - and he can't live with his mom because how fucking weird would that be if I came over for dinner and found out his mom is my age... UNCOMFORTABLE!!!

I take it back. I've decided I just need a sugar daddy that's about to die so that I can live a fulfilling rich life with myself and my dog. Because I think we all know that my dog is really the only boyfriend I need. (Don't you dare think dirty thoughts...)

So I really admire the Demi Moore's of the world but I think I'll stick to the life style that only a nice Catholic girl would have...

Wanna-be-cradle-rocker,

Errrrrrrrrricaaaa

53 comments:

Matt said...

Other men sometimes catch me staring at their bitches (female dogs).

They smile b/c they know I love dogs.

Jay said...

I used to have this big blanket with a HUGE tiger print on it. It was cool. A girl gave it to me. I'm not sure if it was supposed to mean that I was a tiger in bed or that she was. I never found out if she was though. Something about being sooo immature. Or something like that. Whatever.

You're sugar daddy idea is actually not all that bad. I've been posting online personals looking for an elderly heiress who is accident prone and has a nagging cough.

No takers yet, but someday it will happen.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, you are soooo much cooler than cougar material. I mean really, who needs to have some 19 year old with an X-Box fetish when they can find themselves some ultra-rich oil tycoon who's about to kick the bucket? Then you and your dog can live out your dreams and the only thing you're feasibly "out" for is maybe two or three years of wrinkly blow jobs.

Sounds good doesn't it? Doesn't it?

Queen of Dysfunction said...

...and dude, you must have really wanted to get your point across to post this one THREE FREAKING TIMES!

Fuck!

Because I just wanted to type "fuck".

Erica AP said...

Matt: I think the whole world should follow in your footsteps...

Jay: My friend used to have one of those blankets... So you want an old lady who's smoked all her life so she sounds like she is coughing up a lung? Maybe you should leave that part out of your ad and you'll get more of a response...

QofD: Haha... I love posting 3 times!!! Ummm... No - I'm sorry- wrinkly blow jobs are not something I had thought about... Maybe if he's really old I can just turn off the lights and have the maid do and I'll be sure to take off his glasses too. He'll never know the difference. Right? Fuck!! (because it IS fun to say)

Gregg O'Connell said...

dude you should be a nun! you fit the mold perfectly.

guys want to date a girl that takes care of them like their mom did but also have sexual relations with the girl. its how they were brought up dude!
its life!
you love life!

CarmenSinCity said...

I'm totally dating someone right now that is 10 years younger than me. I'm definitely robbing the cradle. It's still really new right now, so he isn't getting on my nerves - yet! I'm sure he will though. They all get on my nerves no matter what age.

Erica AP said...

Gregg: I can't become a nun - I'm not religious!!! Maybe I'll just become a lesbian.

Carmen: That's awesome!! Let me know how it works out and his qualities so that I can be on the look for one down here... Haha...

Tammie Jean said...

A friend of mine always used to tell me, "Date younger men, because they never grow up anyway." I say date someone who listens to the same music as you, so you don't have to hear crappy songs in the car.

Kristi said...

One question: where can I get that tiger dress?

Erica AP said...

Tammie: That sounds like sound advice!! And I agree with the music thing... Who wants to listen to Mozart when you can listen to Billy Ray Cyrus??

Kristi: I think it saw it on sale at JC Penny's about 5 months ago but they only had the XL size so I guess that lady lucked out... Bummer - I know.

dave evanns said...

Wait, so it's not cool to be seen with a 50 yr old cougar?

Erica AP said...

Dave: No - it is cool. You will be the coolest kid on the block of you date a rich old lady... Who doesn't like saggy boobs??

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, if I weren't trying to win Blogger Idol I would probably say that Gregg has weird Mommy issues and needs to see a shrink right away before Emily ends up like Katie Holmes.

...but I am trying to win Blogger Idol so I'm just going to say that you are soooo right about the whole "I'm not your mom" thing and that Gregg is a stupendous and fabulous human being who deserves to be dictator of some small South Pacific island.

Erica AP said...

QofD: I agree with you, but since I'm being the rebel on Blogger Idol I can tell it right to his face. Actually, I'm sure I have. I think because he was brought up that way, that he thinks all guys are like that. And he could never rule a small island because he would get claustrophobic because he can't swim.

The Boob Lady said...

I considered becoming a cougar when I became single.

I've never dated a younger man.

I'm still thinking about it, but I'd rather date someone older.

Someone who can be in a Jazzy (Electric Wheelchair) before me!

Erica AP said...

Boob Lady: Those chairs would be so much fun to drive around. That's should be one of my main reasons to want an old sugar daddy...

Natalie said...

There is a 17 (count 'em!) year difference between my partner and me. However, she's the old lady in this relationship. The reason it DOES work is because she has brothers and sisters who are my age. Yeah, there's something kind of freaky about that... but not.
We like the same kind of music.
With the exception of her constantly pushing all of the buttons in the car, we get along fabulously.
And about that cougar mu-mu: it is totally not an XL... more like a 3X tent size.
I remember when John Mellencamp was John COUGAR Mellencamp.
"Who?", you say...

Erica AP said...

Natalie: My best friend and her partner are really far apart in age too. Her partner is older but so awesome and fun. John Cougar Mellencamp should have worn a dress like that on stage... I think it would have done him right.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I just had to come back and comment again to remind you of what a cool cat you are. Just not a cougar cat. You know. Rawr!

Natalie said...

I know you posted this like, um, three times and all but...
could you at the very least leave up the one post where the "pitcher" works?
Where's the Mu-Mu?
Rawrrrr... Indeed.

Erica AP said...

QofD: If you Rawr at me one more time I'm libel to drive right up there and jump your bones... And I don't mean the ones your are studying in funeral classes...

Natalie: I think I'm going to post things in 3's all the time... Haha... I don't know what happened to the picture but I put it back up again. I hope it fulfills your wildest dreams.

Malathionman said...

Hey, I saw John Cougar Mellencamp when he was just "John Cougar", he opened for Heart at the Forum! I took some "younger" girl to the concert. After the show we went home and played games on my Commadore 64. It got really late so she tucked me in bed and I slept really good!

Erica AP said...

Malathionman: You sound like you were a cool cat back in the day... And that you like playing video games and being taken care of... Wait - did you read the blog I just wrote about that??? You fit the bill almost perfectly. :)

Anonymous said...

Rawrrrr! Mu-Mu!!
Layers and layers of...
Mu-Mu!

This frickin' thing wouldn't let me be a Blogger so I had to go anonymous.

Natalie

Gregg O'Connell said...

you love when i visit your website after stressing all day over Blogger Idol!

Matt said...

Erica,

I just want to win. Is that so wrong?

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, I think you, Travis and I should be tri-Blogger Idol chairs. There are no winners. Just friends!

(hearts and puppies and rainbows)

Erica AP said...

Natalie: I'm so glad you are so happy I put up the mu-mu tiger again. :)

Gregg: I know - I've been so stressed that I had to get one of those squishy stress balls and I've been kneading it all day.

Matt: No - No it's not. Good luck to you, son.

QofD: I love friends and puppies and hearts and unicorns and pink kitty shirts with white and purple sparkles. Maybe if we are a team we could all wear them like a gang??

Gregg O'Connell said...

BLOGGER IDOL is heating up over at www.greggoconnell.com

Make sure to come to greggoconnell.com on April 9 and start voting for your favorite blogger!

thx,
gregg

dave evanns said...

I saw the Verizon commercial last night about "Who's in your five?" where that girl says "well there is an old cougar hitting on your boyfriend" and the other girl says "Yeah, that's his mother"

Hilarious, and I thought of your post as soon as I saw it.

Erica AP said...

Gregg: I don't get that much traffic that you need to pimp out your game... Sorry.

Dave: That's the exact commercial I was talking about in this post!! You are so in tune with my writing - it's unbelievable!! Haha...

The Boob Lady said...

Erica: Do you mean the bar with the yellow sponge toffee on the inside smothered in chocolately goodness???

velvet girl said...

Awesome post! I'm so with you on this one, though I think my lower age limit would have to be 21... I wouldn't want to date anyone who couldn't go to a bar with me.

Of course, this is all just hypothetical since a) I'm married (and to a younger man, no less), and b) our society doesn't really support that kind of thing. That second thing sucks to no endless degree... don't even get me started. Grrrr! Or is that "Rooowr!!" instead?

Erica AP said...

Boob Lady: Ummm - Yeah!!! You've had it before??? Oh my god... It's like pure heaven...

Velvet: Yeah - I wouldn't want to date anyone who couldn't go out to a bar with me. I was just being dramatic when I was writing... In real life - they would have to be at least 23... Haha...

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, you are so smart. Yes we should form a gang and we can wear seventies-looking ringer tees with those placticky glitter iron-ons with unicorns and our names ironed-on the back.

We can also walk puppies while we cruise our 'hood.

Erica AP said...

QofD: I'm glad you are on board with this ship... because we are going to take over the world, baby!! I LOVE puppies...

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I love puppies too! I wonder if we can get hats with those laser light show things that will beam a rainbow aura around us wherever we go?

Erica AP said...

QofD: Humm... I've never heard of those hats but I'd have to say, that if they really exist - I NEED ONE!! God, we will be one stylin' gang...

The Boob Lady said...

Erica, we have them all over here! I just had one actually. I can hook you up!

Erica AP said...

Boob Lady: Really?? Man - They are hands down my favorite candy bar. If you sent any to me I would probably eat them all in one sitting... So maybe I shouldn't try to locate them. :)

Captain Smack said...

Erica, if you're really 250 years old, then maybe you should date me. I'm only 89.

Just promise me that you won't break my heart. My achey breaky heart.

Erica AP said...

Captain: I thought that Jesus was about 250 years old... He might be more my age and could probably grant me wishes and shit... That might be cool... But maybe I can find someone for you, but not if you are going to be all whiny about your achey breaky heart.

Captain Smack said...

Now I have to compete with Jesus? Christ. Guess I can't blame you though. I heard He was well-hung.

ba-domp-TAH!

jane said...

I always liked older guys too. But once you hit 40, the older single guys get really weird, so I got me a younger guy. ;)
Seems like guys 45ish or so have a need to sell themselves to you. You know, "Nice stock of a penis!" "Not balding, no, not me!" "I make $75,000 a year, but hey, I don't care about money." coughbullshitcough
Anyways, once you hit 40 start looking for the younger guys. Trust a girlfriend on this one.

Malnurtured Snay said...

I thought Cougars just wanted to have SEX with younger men ... not date them.

Erica AP said...

Captain: Really? Wow - I guess I picked a good guy to try to date... Well hung and can grant me wishes. :)

Jane: Haha... Man - I'm pretty sure if I have to deal with finding a man at 40 I will become a lesbian... Or will again just become Demi Moore-like.

Malnurtured Snay: Don't you know that women can't separate sex from love?? Haha... I'll let you know if I'm able to do it though and then maybe I'll be put in the Guinness Book of World Records...

Michael C said...

I'd never heard of the cougar thing. Better being a Demi Moore than a Donald Trump I guess ;-)

Dan said...

I have no freaking idea what a Cougar is. Maybe a football player?? But I have had quite a bit of experience with nice (and not so nice) Catholic girls. The ones that are not so nice are usually the nicest. Does that make sense?

Happy Easter and/or Passover and/or whatever!

The Boob Lady said...

You just give me the word my love and I'll hook you up!!

Erica AP said...

Michael C: Yes - I would much rather look like Demi Moore then Donald Trump... Although they both do have hot spouses. :)

Dan: You are correct sir!! Catholic girls are nice... Very nice. Haha...

Boob Lady: You, my dear, are the best!

Miss Misery said...

I think I used to have the very same poster. Weirdness. I'm dating a younger guy, but he's only 6 months younger so I'm not really robbing a cradle; more like a play pen haha kidding.

I like the sugar daddy idea though. My boyfriend better win the lottery soon. Actually my boyfriend better get his G2 soon, and then turn 19, then win the lottery because if he won it now they he couldn't claim the money because he wouldn't be legal...

Erica AP said...

Miss Misery: Haha... Yeah - I hope your boyfriend turns of age and then wins the lottery... Because that would truly suck if he couldn't claim it...