Sunday, April 29, 2007

Healthy Americans Do It Right!


I was sitting eating lunch like every healthy American should and I saw this guy walking. No big deal, right? Just a guy walking around - on his way to the local coffee shop or hairdressers, but there is something a little odd about him. Just a little...

He's carrying a bag. Not just any bag. A fucking black trash bag. A 10 gallon, black, plastic, with the red pull strings, trash bag. And it wasn't full. Oh no... I was about 1/3 full.

What does this mean??? What was he carrying???

I can understand if he was collecting bottles or something but wouldn't you know it, he walked right by the trash cans... Actually I think he steered clear of the trash cans. And why do you think that is?

I believe he was carrying body parts. I know.... Completely creepy and crazy but if you live around here you would understand. About a month or two ago there where some body parts found on the side of the highway and I don't believe they ever found the killer.

What if... what if that guy was the body-cutter-upper? What if that guy walking with a 1/3 half full trash bag was carrying some fingers and a head?? What if he just wanted to go to the coffee shop and drink his coffee in peace but I followed him in there and accused him of being a serial killer and when the cops came and opened the bag they realized that he was just carrying his smelly clothes from the gym because he had spilled his energy drink in he normal gym bag and really just went to the coffee shop to give him a boost because he had to go to his girlfriends house for a fun filled night of lovin'? What if I never wrote a run on sentence ever again?? How would we all feel if run on sentences and 1/3 half full trash bags were pseudonymous with crazy girls on their lunch breaks with over active imaginations????

I'm pretty sure the world would end as we know it... And that's no laughing matter.

So next time you see a guy walking with a trash bag, make sure you stop and ask him whether he is carrying heads or sweaty boxers because that would probably make a big difference in the police report.

Erriiccaa

PS: My Blogger Idol interview is here for your listening pleasure. :)

43 comments:

Captain Smack said...

Whenever I have to transport body parts, I almost always use regular trash bags. I would use gym bags instead, but over time it would get expensive having to buy 2 to 4 new gym bags every week.

Erica AP said...

Captain Smack: You made me laugh in a very uncomfortable way... Very uncomfortable...

Gregg O'Connell said...

erica they caught the guy in SD that killed that person with the missing body parts...you're safe!!!

dirty said...

I carry trash bags everywhere I go...so much more stylish than a handbag.

dmarks said...

There was an episode of "Cheers" in which Cliff the postman was carrying around some black trash bags. He was secretive about them. His bar buddies joked that his mother was in them.

A day or two before it was to air, something hit the news about someone doing this for real, and maybe it was a real mailman. NBC re-scheduled this episode of "Cheers" for another time.

Krazee Eyez Killa said...

Girl, dis some freaky shiznit.

Holla at a playa,

Krazee Eyez Killa

Michael C said...

I just got back from running and I passed a man with a plastic bag. No wonder he was giving me dirty looks. I just thought it was because I was sweating so much.

Matt said...

Dude,

We've been carrying black plastic garbage bags in DC since the beginning of spring.

Those messenger-boy briefcases are SO 2006. Get w/ it, Vermonter.

Malathionman said...

Maybe he couldn't afford a real colostomy bag. You should smell it next time.

Joefish said...

Dammit. Now I'm going to feel self-conscious the next time I'm walking around with a bag full of hands.

The Dude said...

I prefer to make my body parts into household furniture, and stuff. Hands make great bookends. and skin makes a good lampshade.

Erica AP said...

Gregg: No way!!! That's awesome - but I'm now going to have to watch out for most of my commenters because it seems like this a normal thing to do... Haha...

Dirty: You know the black trash bag is way more stylish than the white one... White is so last season.

Dmarks: Really?? Wow... That's so weird. Maybe that guy worked on the set of Cheers and thought it was such a great idea he did it himself...

Krazee Eyez Killa: No shit - it's extremely creepy!!

Michael C: Maybe he was staring at you because you were sweating so much. Maybe he really wanted to give you a trash bag to put your sweaty clothes in... And then maybe he wanted to take you out for coffee, because maybe he was gay?

Matt: So exactly how do you carry these bags around? Do you use the drawstring ones or do you make holes in the bag so you can strap it on your back??

Malathionman: I would have smelled if I wasn't so fucking freaked out about it. :)

Joefish: Yeah - you might feel a little self conscience because what if there was a hole in the bag and someone saw a finger poking through... Uncomfortable!!!

The Dude: Did you watch Silence of the Lambs one to many times?? :)

James Burnett said...

It should be a crime to carry around a bag full of sweaty boxers too. Who the hell has that many boxers? And sweaty ones at that? If they're all in the bag, then your serial killer was walking around commando.

dirty said...

Erica...

One year for Halloween my friends and I cut holes in white kitchen trash bags and wore them as a costume...when people asked what we were, we said "white trash"...good times.

Trash bags are so stylish.

dave evanns said...

Wow, next time just ask him to see the contents of the bag. I will remember to leave my trash bags hidden from now.

Dirty - that is hilarious.

Erica AP said...

James Burnett: I'd have to say that any sweaty clothes are pretty gross but sweaty boxers are definitely not something I would come across when I opened a bag. But I think it might do less damage to my mental state than opening a bag of body parts. :)

Dirty: That's awesome... What a great idea and cheap!!! Are you going to suggest that to your kids one day?

Dave Evanns: Yes - I think it would be a good idea for you to keep all your trash bags hidden. Very wise.

Jay said...

So which would smell worse? Body parts or sweaty boxers? Was it late in the week? Because if it was maybe he had a whole weeks worth of sweaty boxers in that bag. That would be really nasty!

Aslo, if it was body parts, I hope it was a good name brand trash bag. Those generic or cheap-ass ones ALWASY leak. That would be very embarrassing.

It probably wasn't a head though. People usually carry those in their bolling ball bag. Just so you know. Keep an eye out for those too.

Also, loved your interview with Greg. It made my crush on you grow a little more. ;-)

Erica AP said...

Jay: You are so right! Bowling ball bags would work way better than regular trash bags... You were always the smart one. :) And thank for listening to my interview!!

Tammie Jean said...

I'm with you, Erica. I would have thought body parts too. It could only be laundry if the bag was full, because no one brings just a little bit of laundry to the laundromat. Definitely body parts.

Betty said...

So, what would you do if you asked what was in the bag, and he told you, "body parts"?

Erica AP said...

Tammie: You sure no how to make my nerosies worse!! Haha... Now I'm going to have nightmares about heads in trash bags. :)

Betty: I think I would probably laugh because I would be thinking that he was joking. And when I realized he wasn't joking I would probably run away like a crazy manic. :)

CarmenSinCity said...

Hey!

Just wanted to respond to your question. The reason I moved to Vegas was to open a business. When we got here (my boyfriend and I) - he decided to play poker for a living. UGH! We ended up breaking up, but I like it here a lot. We actually still live together, but now we are just roommates.

I was working at the MGM Grand when I first moved here, but now I work in an office.

I've been here 14 months as of tomorrow. Cool!

Do you ever visit Vegas? If so, let me know when you are coming.

Erica AP said...

Carmen: Thanks for answering my questions!! I always wondered if people moved there to become professional gamblers or for other reasons. And I've actually never been there but if I ever do go, I'll definitely let you know! :)

The Boob Lady said...

I'd say he was carrying at least some hands and feet. You can only fill a trash bag so full of body parts before it starts to weigh you down.

I heard.

*Cough*

velvet girl said...

I know people who use trash bags for moving, though there are usually more than one and they tend to be rather full in that case.

I think you're right. Body parts for sure.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, your imagination is beginning to scare me. But just a little.

Erica AP said...

Boob Lady: You heard that?? From who?? You sound just a little conspicuous... :)

Velvet Girl: Of course people use them for moving... But I think that guy was transporting. Transporting heads if you know what I mean... haha...

QoFD: Does this mean you don't love me anymore?

Lulu (Dan's cat) said...

I understand you people with all this fitness crap. What's there to do? Eat, crap, sleep, chase a few mice.

Why do you humans have to make things so damned complicated?

MEOOOOOWWW!

Princess Extraordinaire said...

Bu was it a GLAD bag?

Erica AP said...

Lulu (aka Dan): I know being a cat you don't have to worry about your weight but us humans have to ward off all these diseases and have to feel good about ourselves too... It's a tough life us humans have...

Princess Extraordinaire: Why, yes!! It was a Glad bag! That must have been why it was strong enough...

Gregg O'Connell said...

Target brand trash bags are o much cheaper than Glaad

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Why can't I comment? Erica, did you ban me? OH THE HUMANITY!

Erica AP said...

Gregg: But do they hold 100 pounds of leaves?? I don't think so...

QofD: I don't know why you can't comment... It seems like you can because I happen to be responding to your comment right now... And I have no idea how to block people.

Natalie said...

Wasn't there a Joe Piscopo, Joe Pesci, Joe (of Manny, Moe, and Jack who I always think of as Joe, fame) movie? Hmmm.. maybe... coulda been. Three Joes in a duffel bag or something like that.
I dunno.. was that guy wearing white sweat pants that made his wee-wee look ultra-big or curly or something? I always think that about guys in white sweat pants which is kinda eww-y, if you ask me.
Wow.
I just realized this is a two-headed comment and made myself laugh... right out loud!

Erica AP said...

Natalie: Haha... My friends say that if they ever started a band they would call it the "Sweatpant Boner Band" Haha... and yes it's very gross. :) Serial killer or not.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

It's weird Erica, there was a flash of light and a giant booming voice said "NO" and then I couldn't comment all last night because the bastard Blogger fairies wouldn't let me.

I'm telling you... it's a conspiracy.

Erica AP said...

QofD: You know I believe you... I've been trying to accept your friend request for Facebook and it hasn't let me go on that site all day... Just a blank screen. Like it's got no soul or something... What do you think they are trying to do to us??

WAT said...

This is eerily reminiscent of the plot to DISTURBIA, the recent film starring adorable SHIA LEBOUFF!

Natalie said...

I can remember, years and years ago, prolly before you were even a polly-wog in the gleam of your parent's eyes....
Watching Rick James sing, "Super Freak" at the first ever American Music Awards and I just kept saying, "OMG!! OMG!! He's wearing white leather pants and singin' with a boner!! OMG!! Wow, would you look at that? It really is true what they say about black men..."
Which, of course, got me into trouble in a room full of lesbians like, what? They didn't notice that? I mean, c'mon, it's not like I'm fascinated with it... or not...
Well, see? I'm still defensive about it.
But... But... how could you not....

Erica AP said...

Wat: Really? I would watch that movie but I can't watch scary movies because I'm a wuss. But I'm glad to know that it's not just my imagination going wild... :)

Natalie: Haha... It's ok that you looked at his white-pants-boner... I look at girls boobs often because sometimes they are just so out there you have too... Especially here because I'm always tring to figure out if they are real or fake. Haha...

Queen of Dysfunction said...

You don't like scary movies? Really? I had you pegged for a horror-flick-fanatic.

Blondie said...

I totally agree that it was body parts.

Erica AP said...

QofD: Well, unfortunately you had me pegged wrong. What exactly does pegged mean????????

Blondie: I would have to agree to agree with you and myself. What?