Monday, March 26, 2007

Suck it up tan monster!!!


Have you ever been watching TV late at night and have been subjected to those commercials that could be infomercials, and feel like they last an hour but really are only a minute long?

The ones I'm talking about are the ever so tempting weight loss commercials. I can't be the only one with basic cable, who doesn't have a DVR and a strong drive to watch TV until all hours of the night. I can't be the only one who is watching old reruns of Scrubs and South Park but am a little bit more drawn into the infomercials than the actual shows.

You wonder, "How the hell can that be, Erica??? Scrubs is funny as hell and South Park?? Do I even need to explain?" But my retort is, "Have you ever really watched one of those fucking commercials?"

No - I don't think you have.

Let me explain what I see. I see a picture a bottle with some cute little pills that will make you lose 500 pounds and make you really fucking tan and also turn you into a transvestite! Who would have know that when you take these pills, not only do you lose weight, you become a man who's had a sex change! Sign me fucking up!!! I love looking like a orange lady on the outside and a man lady in the Adams Apple area. And possibly the genitally area...

Maybe what the creators or producers of this commercial do is, hold open auditions but hone in on the manly/womanly types so they can do before and after pictures. Before = normal over weight American lady. After = Male transvestite wearing the same freakin' clothes but with their firm muscles and toned abs rippling through their shirts.

Now, I'm a girl. I know that it's basically impossible for a woman to get abs like that unless you were born.... A man.

Done and Done. That's what I believe and that's the side of coleslaw that I'm sticking with. (Yes- I actually sometimes like coleslaw.... Although, if I'm at KFC the mac and cheese and mash potatoes are to die for... But don't actually go killing yourself for them because they aren't THAT good. But the popcorn chicken?? That's is fucking awesome. But who even knows if it's really chicken... Right? I thought it was call Animal 51 or something... Man... Fuck you!! Now I can't even eat there any more because all I'm going to think about is how I'm eating chicken that was grown with out a head...)

So, I guess what I'm asking is, do you think that these actors are like stunt doubles and really posing as women when they are men, or do you really think they are the real deal? I need to know or I won't be able to sleep tonight. Well, after this glass of wine I'll probably be able to sleep pretty well, but I'll be losing a minute of my thought process and that is a very precious minute because in that minute I was planing on taking over the world and making everyone rich in the process...

That's right... I care for everyone on the planet. I know... I'm the nicest girl you've ever met. I can't help it my parent raised me right... The only thing I would change is I'd get rid of those fucking commercials.

Fake-tan-lotion-user-in-hiding,

Erica AP

42 comments:

Dave Evanns said...

Wow, what a rant! LOVE IT!

- I think I saw those women on Flickr!

- KFC's mac-n-cheese, yeah, that shit rocks. Now I too wonder about the popcorn chicken

Natalie said...

We were just talking about something similar to this yesterday. That old song by David Lee Roth (Gigolo or something like that) came on the radio and I told the story about the "female" bodybuilder in that video... and how "she" sat behind me at a restaurant and "she" heard me ask whether or not "she" was male or female and then "she" jumped into our (shushed) conversation and I thought "she" was gonna beat the hell out of me.
There is an important lesson there...
They are over-tanned (it's actually a chemical burn) and over-burdened with steroidal muscles (I think I just made that word up) and they can still kick yer ass. If they can catch you. They've got some really thick thighs... and that's kinda like havin' big boobs and thinkin' yer gonna get a strike while bowling when in fact you boobs get in the way and you toss the bowling ball into the next lane.
But I digress...

Matt said...

I'm glad you got that off your chest, Erica.

Erica AP said...

Dave: You should ask those women on flickr if they have ever done one of those commercials. And it's not just the popcorn chicken... It's all of KFC's meat. I heard that they can't even call it Kentucky Fried Chicken anymore because it's not really chicken... Scandalous!!

Natalie: I would be so scared if one of them tried to beat me up... And one of my friend's sister's friend is a woman bodybuilder and she just puts this really dark fake tan stuff on. Nothing burnt... Maybe she's not that hardcore... haha...

Matt: I'm glad I have you here to confide in.

Gregg O'Connell said...

infomercials are cool especially the ones with the rotesserie oven "set it and forget it!"

make a video of you performing in an infomercial! ill be the camera man!

Erica AP said...

Gregg: You would like woman bodybuilders telling you to set it and forget it. You like a strong man - I mean - lady... And you can make your own infomercial... I hate them!! Then you could put it on your blog!!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, I think you need some good old fashioned "turn me orange pills". Or some Animal 51. Or maybe that machine that Christie Brinkley and Chuck Norris are hocking. I don't know.

...actually don't change. You kick ass just the way you are. Even if you don't have orange skin and man-abs.

Tammie Jean said...

Erica, girl, you are nuts. That's why I like you.

And that photo is really frickin scary.

CarmenSinCity said...

Ummmmm - those chicks are NASTY! What in the hell made these women do that to themselves? Why would they want to look like that? I can understand being in shape and having some muscles, but come on - that's ridiculous. YUCK!!!!

I love the mashed potatoes and gravy at KFC. YUMM

velvet girl said...

First things first, the women in that picture are pretty disgusting... but I say the same thing about their male couterparts, too.

I suppose these infomercials are one of the many reasons why I avoid the TV. ;)

Paul Hughson said...

I fucking love your potty fucking mouth, Erica Fucking Putis.

McGone said...

Grant Miller once corrected me when I joked that people believe KFC shortened their name because they were no longer serving chicken. Can I send him over here so I don't end up as one of his "Lies People Have Told Me" posts?

Erica AP said...

QofD: Do you have the secret to orange skin and man abs? Because if you do - I want in!! Not that I really want orange skin and man abs... Well - maybe for a day to see how if feels. Haha...

Tammie: Haha... I know! I saw that picture and I couldn't stop laughing and saying "Gross!" at the same time so I knew that it was meant to be for this post. :)

Carmen: I completely agree with you... It's so weird to want to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger when you are a woman. I just don't think that he'd make a pretty lady. :)

Velvet: Yes - the guys who look like that too are disgusting. :) And it's only when I see weird things like that on TV that I wish I had more than basic cable...

Paul: I fucking love you man. Really... And I fucking love swearing and I'm fucking happy that you like it too. :)

Mcgone: Of course you can send him over here... I don't remember who told me that or if it's just an urban legend but I wouldn't be surprised with all the crazy shit they do to fast food...

Jay said...

KFC totally rocks. If you go in at lunch time and eat there you can have the buffet. That way you can the mac and cheese, the cole slaw AND the mashed potatoes covered in gravy. Sometimes I stay there for hours and hours. After a while they start giving me really dirty looks when I go back to the buffet again and again.

Those chicks in that picture are rediculously hot. I mean just look at them? Who would choose a woman who looks like an actual woman over those chicks. And the best part is it's totally natural. No human growth hormone there. No sireeeee ... They just workout and eat right. Seriously, no testosterone shots at all. None.

Gregg O'Connell said...

the chicken bowls at kfc are so gross and i tend to like thing with alot of unhealthy food in them but those bowls are ewwwy

Erica AP said...

Jay: I think I'm going to try to find one of those beautiful ladies and have her go on a date with you to KFC. Then maybe she can put some fake tan on you and you guys could arm wrestle. How's that sound? :)

Gregg: I don't even want to know what's in a chicken bowl. It sounds like all the food that dropped on the floor gets put in a styrofoam bowl, spit on and then sold to you. Ummm... Sounds good.

The Boob Lady said...

Shame you don't like tanned people. I signed us up for unlimited super tans at the local salon!!

part-time buddha said...

That picture is going to give me nightmares. Ugh.

Dave Evanns said...

I too think of those fucking chicken bowls as all of the previous days fucking leftovers shoved in a little fuckin' bowl and covered in fucking gravy. FUCKING NASTY.

A shout out to Paul Hughson, who likes to talk like a fucking trucker.

Erica AP said...

Boob Lady: Don't get me wrong - I love being tan and looking all ethnic but it's the orange and gold ones who freak me out a bit. :)

PT Buddha: I know - it's pretty freaking scary.

Dave: You know when Paul talks like that, you get turned on... But I would appreciate you keep your flirting with him on your site. Haha...

RILAH said...

i think kfc, oprah and ... are tied for "the devil". if you wanna be able to keep eating, don't watch this.

Erica AP said...

Rilah: I don't think I could watch that because I'm sure I would turn into a vegetarian... I'd rather live in ignorance. :)

emily said...

HAHA... My Dad used to be a bodybuilder and I would go to his contests and see those "girls". So now anytime I see an overly buff guy, it is NOT hot to me because it reminds me of my father. Lucky for Gregg.

Dan said...

Gosh you are a wiz with Photoshop, how you were able to put those girl's heads on those dudes bodies and ... wait a second ... those aren't dudes bodies ... uh-oh ... I think I'm gonna hurl ...

Erica AP said...

Emily: So, were they as scary in person as in the pictures? And - yes - Gregg is very luck to have you - even if he was bodybuilder. :)

Dan: I only wish that I could photoshop like that because if that was the case I'd put your head on there so you could feel like a real man. Haha... Just kidding - you are as tough as they get. :)

jane said...

They're definitely women painted with gold spray paint.

Every time I eat KFC, it's like I poured Drano down my digestive system.

Miss Misery said...

Oh Erica lol you crack me up. Nobody rants like you :)

Anonymous said...

that might be the most frightening picture i have ever seen.

Dave the Great

Erica AP said...

Jane: They do look a tad bit more gold than orange, huh? You know what fast food sits in my belly forever? Taco Bell. That is some fucking nasty shit. :)

Miss Misery: Thanks!! Ranting is apparently one of my fortes and I didn't even know it!!

Dave: I bet you are just saying that so no one suspects that you actually have posters of those girls hanging over your bed. And in your closet. And in your desk draw. And as your screen saver.

Kristi said...

You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!

That would've been funny two years ago.

New fan here. And I'm totally adding you to my myspace friends. Now I'm off to thank Procrastamom for sending folks my way. :)

Erica AP said...

Kristi: Again - I'm completely retarded and don't know who Starla is... But I love being a myspace friend whore so add me all you want!! Thanks for visiting - you blog rocks the casbah.

Kristi said...

Starla was the mannish woman on Napoleon Dynamite. That's how cool I am...I'm quoting Napoleon Dynamite in 2007.

Malathionman said...

Erica,
I think there are so many steroids in KFC "chicken" that if you eat enough of it you will grow a pair of testicles. I hope its not too late for you. :)

WAT said...

You hardly get any comments, so I felt I had to help you out a bit.

Those body-buidling chicks be nasty, and YES informercials are eerily fascinating!

Erica AP said...

Kristi: Oh my god... you are cool. I only watched that movie once and yes I loved it but never learned all the words to it. Next time I need a quote from that movie I will look to you...

Malathionman: Humm... I haven't noticed any testis growing but my voice has gotten lower lately.

Wat: You are very nice to care so much... I don't know what I would do without you. :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, I was thinking about it and figured that I have all this fake-tanner. And well, I can't use it anymore, so do you want it? And my Bowflex? And AbLounger?

Erica AP said...

QofD: I will take the fake tanner but not the exercise equipment. Do I look like I like to exercise?? No - I like to eat chocolate and drink wine. If you have a bottle of wine to give me with the fake tanner you will be my best internet friend... Oh way - you already are. That doesn't get you off the hook though... Haha...

Phronk said...

I think maybe the "after" women are created in a testube and designed to look vaguely like the "before" women.

They just haven't got the technique right yet, so they come out orange and manly.

Erica AP said...

Phronk: Humm... That's a very good theory. That would explain a lot of my questions that don't quite add up... :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, I'll send you wine and chocolate. I have mentioned that I live in the center of the best wine country in the world haven't I? No?

I'll also make sure you get the fake tanner.

Erica AP said...

QofD: There's nothing like drinking wine, eating chocolate and lathering myself in fake tan. I can see it now and it's making me very excited.

Leola said...

Well said.