Monday, March 19, 2007

Rubbery Eggs for Everyone!!!


I've decided to be more healthy. I buy fresh veggies and I've even got a freakin' egg white separator so that I can have Richard Simmons breakfast sandwiches in the morning. Sometimes he coaches me along while I make it. He says, "Ok Erica, now really crack that egg like you mean it and get that bad yoke out of there!!! You got it!!! Keep doing it!!! That yoke hates you anyway!!! Kick it to the curb, girl!!!" Well, maybe he's not in my kitchen egging me on (pun intended - laugh track) to crack eggs like only a sexy French cook should. But he should be...

So I crack my eggs and I'm doing good until I put them in the microwave. Yes, I cook my eggs in the microwave because I DO NOT cook. Cooking is basically like slow water toucher, except that it's not slow, and you have to run around the kitchen like a bat out of hell. (that's kind of a weird saying, huh? Bat out of hell... Why did he get out and what was he there for anyway? Maybe he was a good bat and knew he shouldn't be there so he found an underground tunnel that lead to my kitchen? But I don't think I could cook - even in a microwave - if there was a bat in my kitchen... Even if he was a good bat.) So my eggs are cooking and getting nice and fluffy when I hear a loud, "POP" and "BOOM." I think, "Are the heaven's raining down???" But then I realize that it's just my eggs exploding. Damn microwave getting me all excited that something cosmic was happening...

Turns out my microwave doesn't like egg whites. I think my microwave might be racist. It doesn't try to explode when I leave the yoke in it... So, I though maybe it just needs some milk so it doesn't explode... but to my disappointment the egg still explodes all over the interior of my sacred microwave. I think it's because milk is white also.

I seriously don't know if I can live with a racist microwave. I mean, I love it, but some things are just not tolerable. Actually, I think I'm just making up excuses. The real reason the popping eggs startle the hell out of me and make me nervous is that I'm just a little worried about radiation.

"What?!?!", you say?

Well, when my brother was younger he was a real smart one, and did "experiments." One was where you soak an egg in vinegar for a week and the shell becomes rubbery. True. It completely worked but he got the bright idea to put the rubbery egg in the microwave. Again... "POP" and fucking "BOOM" and the whole freakin' door blew open!! So for many weeks, until we got a new one installed, we actually had to leave the kitchen for fear of radiation poisoning when using it... Haha... Who has to fucking leave the kitchen because of the microwave?? It's me!! It's me!! Well not anymore - but in my head sometime I think I should just to be safe... Haha...

So the moral of the story is, do not put rubbery eggs in the microwave, and if you do, go find a bat and he will show you the way to hell because down there you should be far enough away from that bastard-racist-microwave to get any radiation on your little soul. That's a pretty good lesson, huh?

Egg-eatin' , microwave-lovin', POP&BOOM-girl,

Errrrrrrica

40 comments:

James Burnett said...

What the hell? An egg exploded your microwave back in the day? I wanna know what kind of steroids they were feeding the hen that laid the egg.

And I give you ballsy points for using a microwave without a sturdy closed door. Hell, that thing may have given you X-Men powers. You could probably point at stuff and levitate it off the ground now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Just kidding.

Matt said...

This might have been better told in the third person, I believe.

Erica AP said...

James: How did you know that I could move things with my mind??? Don't you know that it's top secret information? You may be visited by some government people and will be asked to change your name and where you live... Haha... :)

Matt: I can't live up to the greatness of writing in third person like you do. Maybe sometime you could give me lessons?

Gregg O'Connell said...

your microwave is really old so i wouldnt doubt it being racist....

you love eggs!

Erica AP said...

Gregg: It's not that old - and it didn't come from the back woods so it shouldn't be racist - but it is a black microwave - not a white one...

CarmenSinCity said...

Ummm - I don't cook either. I don't feel the desire to. I don't have a boyfriend or husband and who wants to cook for one? Plus, I'm always dieting so I never know what to eat. It's a constant battle. I used to love food, now I'm just trying to look at it as fuel. Kinda weird. I still go out to eat a lot though.

Erica AP said...

Carmen: I hear you, completely. But there's no stopping me eating some dark chocolate sometimes. I'd have to say it's my main addiction. And wouldn't you know it - my mom sent me an awesome hollow dark chocolate bunny for easter... I was in heaven. :)

Gregg O'Connell said...

you love black things!
buy precooked eggs!

Erica AP said...

Gregg: I'm no Dunkin' Donuts egg sandwich maker. I make my eggs fresh like a spring breeze.

Paul Hughson said...

I like how this post references bats out of "hell" and has you asking if the "heavens" are raining down. You also call your microwave "sacred." When you cook, it's a serious deal.

erica ap said: I make my eggs fresh like a spring breeze.

So many out-of-context ways to take this....

Erica AP said...

Paul: Are you suggesting that I'm God-like or that I'm just really deep? I guess either one will do. Haha...

RILAH said...

i think they're actually exploding because of the low water-oxygen ratio. when there's yolk in it, there's more fat and therefore less compression, if that makes sense. i cook eggies in the microwave all the time - the trick is to stir them occassionally, then they won't pop or boom or ruin your breakfast/life.

Erica AP said...

Rilah: Wow - you are one smart cookie!! I love stirring eggs!! Haha... I think I may just be asking you all of my microwave questions in the future. Or maybe just my egg questions... :)

Dan said...

You have to cook your eggs?? You wussie. Where's that sense of adventure?? Eat 'em raw!

Natalie said...

Irradiated, rubbery eggs.

Taste kinda like chicken.

Hmmph.

Are they fertile? 'Cause that would be really gross.

Save the eggs!
Save the chickens!
Which came first?
Oh, I have so many questions for yon eggeity.

Erica AP said...

Dan: Do you eat raw eggs? Is that how come you can do mastermind yoga? I guess I'm just not as hardcore as you... :(

Natalie: Fertile eggs??? God - I hope not. And I think that if eggs ever tasted like chicken that would be a very bad thing... Unless, of course, it was in the future and they genetically engineered eggs to taste that way...

Jay said...

It's a really good thing your brother didn't stand in front of a microwave with no door on while it was running. Cause I'm pretty sure he'd be totally sterile now if he did. And maybe hairless.

I've never even heard of making eggs in the microwave. That's crazy. LOL

You could try those "fake" eggs. I don't know what kind of chickens lay those things, but I'm pretty sure you don't want to put the "fake" eggs in the microwave. You might get the same results.

Also, do rubber chickens lay rubber eggs? HA! ... rubber chickens .. LOL .... I slay myself. ;-)

The Boob Lady said...

My absolute favorite is scrambled eggs in the microwave. Try it, I dare you. Scrambled egg whites work well too. Add a little skim milk, about a teaspoon of breadcrumbs, some green onion or chives, and some cheese?

Please. It's
a-motherfuckin'-mazing.

Paul Hughson said...

Are you suggesting that I'm God-like or that I'm just really deep?

Yes.

part-time buddha said...

i used to purposefully stand in front of the old microwave i had hoping to get crazy x-men-like powers. no luck, though i am twichier than i used to be.

and take it from someone who eats eggs like chickens are going out of style: the egg yoke has a higher boiling point (precisely because of the cholesterol in them), so it therefore takes longer to cook. were you to microwave scrambled eggs with the yoke, it would be fine. i hate to ruin the idea of a racist microwave, but the problem is really the separating the yoke.

Erica AP said...

Jay: Yeah - those fake eggs are supposed to be good for you but they kind of freak me out a bit. What exactly are they? Maybe the fake eggs come out of rubber chickens... Food for thought!!!

Boob Lady: Wow - that sounds awesome but sounds a bit too much like cooking because you have to measure and cut stuff up. Haha... You wanna cook some microwave eggs for me?? :)

Paul: You really know the way to a girls heart...

PT Buddha: Very interesting. Rilah explained a little also and said I could have egg whites but just to stir them every once and a while to get oxygen in them, and I tried it today and it worked like a freaking charm. I swear I've got some real smarty pants reading this thing... :)

Tammie Jean said...

I'm a little leery of the microwave too. When I was younger, my friend had one at her house (one of the first ones, it was huge!) And as we stood in front of it watching stuff cook, her mother shrieked at us to get back so we didn't get radiation. Stuff like that sticks with you.

Erica AP said...

Tammie Jean: I bet that when they first came out there was that threat of radiation... I can believe it. Who would have thought radiation could cook food??

just me said...

i'm not a fan of cooking.

but microwaves are okay. Except when they explode things. Have you ever put a marshmellow in there?

Total implosion.

Erica AP said...

Just Me: Really? Marshmellows? Now I have to try it... But you will clean my microwave after, right? It was your idea... :)

SaM-GiRL said...

lol!!!! poor microwave! or poor egg? im not so sure?

Erica AP said...

Sam: We'll say poor egg because that the one that really explodes into a million pieces all over my microwave. :)

jane said...

Hmmm...when you cook eggs in the microwave you have to pierce them with a fork or they'll explode. I think it would apply to egg whites, but am not positive.

Erica AP said...

Jane: I didn't know that... I usually just do scrambled eggs... I guess there's more science to eggs that we thought!! :)

Malnurtured Snay said...

I put a hand grenade in my microwave. Anyway, good bye microwave!

(and kitchen)

Erica AP said...

Malnurtured Snay: I'm hoping you are kidding because if not you might have more of a problem than just your microwave being gone. :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, I'm not sure I can be your blog friend anymore. What with you having a racist microwave and all. I dunno... give me a few days or a few beers to think about it.

Erica AP said...

QofD: Please don't break my heart. Please don't judge me because of my microwave... I don't agree with it but I can't get rid of it... I have no money to buy a silver one. :(

Blondie said...

I've never heard someone ramble on for so long about a bat... but that was, quite possibly, the most hilarious paragraph because of it.

You are truely random...
That couldn't be more of a compliment. :)

Erica AP said...

Blondie: Who doesn't love a random ramble about a bat? Haha... Thanks for the compliment. I pride myself in my weirdness. :)

SaM-GiRL said...

LOL

Matt said...

No shit? Arlington, VT?

I grew up in Albany, VT, near Barton and Orleans in Orleans County.

Small world. Sort of.

Erica AP said...

Matt: I knew you grew up and Vermont... I read it somewhere and that's why I started reading your blog. But I don't really know where Albany, VT is. I lived about an hour from Albany, NY though. How far away is your home town from Arlington?

Michael C said...

Exploding eggs? Don't let Homeland Security know about that one ;-)

Erica AP said...

Michael: What will happen if Home Land Security finds out about my popping eggs???