Monday, March 19, 2007
Rubbery Eggs for Everyone!!!
I've decided to be more healthy. I buy fresh veggies and I've even got a freakin' egg white separator so that I can have Richard Simmons breakfast sandwiches in the morning. Sometimes he coaches me along while I make it. He says, "Ok Erica, now really crack that egg like you mean it and get that bad yoke out of there!!! You got it!!! Keep doing it!!! That yoke hates you anyway!!! Kick it to the curb, girl!!!" Well, maybe he's not in my kitchen egging me on (pun intended - laugh track) to crack eggs like only a sexy French cook should. But he should be...
So I crack my eggs and I'm doing good until I put them in the microwave. Yes, I cook my eggs in the microwave because I DO NOT cook. Cooking is basically like slow water toucher, except that it's not slow, and you have to run around the kitchen like a bat out of hell. (that's kind of a weird saying, huh? Bat out of hell... Why did he get out and what was he there for anyway? Maybe he was a good bat and knew he shouldn't be there so he found an underground tunnel that lead to my kitchen? But I don't think I could cook - even in a microwave - if there was a bat in my kitchen... Even if he was a good bat.) So my eggs are cooking and getting nice and fluffy when I hear a loud, "POP" and "BOOM." I think, "Are the heaven's raining down???" But then I realize that it's just my eggs exploding. Damn microwave getting me all excited that something cosmic was happening...
Turns out my microwave doesn't like egg whites. I think my microwave might be racist. It doesn't try to explode when I leave the yoke in it... So, I though maybe it just needs some milk so it doesn't explode... but to my disappointment the egg still explodes all over the interior of my sacred microwave. I think it's because milk is white also.
I seriously don't know if I can live with a racist microwave. I mean, I love it, but some things are just not tolerable. Actually, I think I'm just making up excuses. The real reason the popping eggs startle the hell out of me and make me nervous is that I'm just a little worried about radiation.
"What?!?!", you say?
Well, when my brother was younger he was a real smart one, and did "experiments." One was where you soak an egg in vinegar for a week and the shell becomes rubbery. True. It completely worked but he got the bright idea to put the rubbery egg in the microwave. Again... "POP" and fucking "BOOM" and the whole freakin' door blew open!! So for many weeks, until we got a new one installed, we actually had to leave the kitchen for fear of radiation poisoning when using it... Haha... Who has to fucking leave the kitchen because of the microwave?? It's me!! It's me!! Well not anymore - but in my head sometime I think I should just to be safe... Haha...
So the moral of the story is, do not put rubbery eggs in the microwave, and if you do, go find a bat and he will show you the way to hell because down there you should be far enough away from that bastard-racist-microwave to get any radiation on your little soul. That's a pretty good lesson, huh?
Egg-eatin' , microwave-lovin', POP&BOOM-girl,