Sunday, February 25, 2007

Love the plant like it's one of your own


So you might have thought my last post about crazy people was weird. Or maybe you just thought that I was crazy. Whatever conclusion you came to I'm just going to solidify the fact that I might waver on the side of crazy more than sane.

I have a plant. One lone plant. It's actually a bunch of bamboo things that don't need much more attention than a little bit of water love once and a while. But the problem is, is that I feel bad. I feel bad I can't give my plant more love.

I've read a study where if you actually talk to your plant it will grow better. I talk to my TV all day but I don't see that thing growing any Travel Channel stations or becoming more LCD. I talk to myself but I don't see my boobs getting any bigger. WTF??

So the other day I was watering my little plant and decided it deserved a little bit of love from the only mother it will ever have. So, fucking laugh all you want - I talked to it. That's right. I actually said, "You are a good little plant, being all green and stuff." But the sad part about it was that I got bored. I got bored of trying to talk to something that doesn't respond to me. Does that make me an attention whore? (My plant is GLARING at me right now. I can tell after I'm done writing this that we'll have to have a "talk". Oh, how I hate those talks. It'll tell me it doesn't appreciate the way I talk about it behind it's back and if I want this relationship to continue I'm going to have to keep what we say in private. Damn bamboo bitch...)

So I got tired of talking to it. Who cares, right? Well, wouldn't you know, my little bamboo bitch started growing yellow leaves instead of the nice chlorifill filled leaves. Is it telling me that it's pissed or is it just upset that I don't talk to it as much as I should?

Damn those scientists and studies. If they hadn't done those studies, do you know how much easier my life would have been? I could just be watering my plant and not have to go through the thought process that I just made you go through. Aren't you pissed at those scientist too? They made you read this crap and I bet you are now feeling guilty for not talking to your own plants.

Well, I'm over it, so I guess it just suck for you. Because there's nothing worse than reading about someone who feels guilty for not talking to their plants and in turn makes you feel guilty. And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse the original person who made you feel guilty doesn't give a shit about the plant in the first place...

Did I just get all crazy on your ass or scientific? I don't think we'll ever know. (or maybe I just don't want to know)

Sci-fi Dr. Erica (because I've got my doctorates in plantology)

36 comments:

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, you just need to give your chlorophyll-filled buddy a little liquid plant food.

Also, I never talk to my gazillion plants but I don't have to because they have each other. Yeah, sometimes they get tired of the neglect that I inflict upon them, but when those days happen they lean on each other for support. It's like one big photosynthesizing bitch session.

So maybe you don't need to talk to your plant. Maybe it just needs a friend.

Matt said...

Believe it or not, I killed my bamboo.

Somewhere in Vietnam, an angel weeps.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, I think I've read Matt's comments on this site and one other. He always makes me laugh, but he also makes me uneasy. Kinda like a person who amuses you and makes you want to lock up the prescription meds all at the same time.

(shrugs)

russkal said...

I read an article once that aside from talking to your plant, you need to tell jokes.

I read it in High Times...

Erica AP said...

QofD: I used to have another plant so they could converse but I'm awful at taking care of them and it died. And I actually commented on Matt's page first because I read somewhere that he was from Vermont... And yes - he is funny and uncomfortable. Maybe it's a Vermont thing. But I'm really comfortable right now... I've got my heater on. Haha...

Matt: I have also killed my bamboo - this is my second shot at plant life. If there is a plant god I hope he knows at least I'm trying...

Russkal: Haha... High times... Haha... You said "High". Is it 4:20 yet?

Gregg O'Connell said...

erica: thank God you dont live in south america on a farm or else we'd never have fruit during the winter!

Erica AP said...

Gregg: You eat South African fruit? What kind of fruit is that? You are so trendy and healthy!!!

Steven Novak said...

Erica, sometimes after reading your posts I feel like spinning in circles, getting really dizzy, then falling flat on my face.

Explain that one to me. :)

Steve~

Erica AP said...

Steve: Haha... Well, I have given it some thought and there could be many reasons you feel like doing this. 1) I bring out the kid in you. 2) You like falling on your face. 3) You can't deal with my inner mind workings. Or 4) The pepto-bismol color of my website makes your brain synapses fire off at wrong times which in turn makes you start spinning in a circles. You can pick which one you like the best. :)

david santos said...

Hello, Erica!
This work is very good, tank you

Erica AP said...

David: Thank you! I wish I could read your site but I don't speak any other languages...

Tammie Jean said...

Oh damn! Now I have to go home and talk to all my little green pets. That part about being the only mother they'll ever know... that hit hard Erica...

Gregg O'Connell said...

your blog is so cool and trendy!
you write a lot like greggoconnell.com!
was he an inspiration/idol for you?

Erica AP said...

Tammy: I'm glad my writing touched you in a way that only a mother to a plant would understand. :)

Gregg: Is pimping out your website the only creative way for you to get traffic? It's getting old... Like you. Haha... And, yes, you are my idol.

Dan said...

I talk to myself but I don't see my boobs getting any bigger.

Want me to try? :)

Seriously, oh hell do I have to be? Very funny post Erica. I don't have plants. Plants don't like me. I don't talk to them. I usually eat them.

Erica AP said...

Dan: So you want to talk to my boobs while eating my little bamboo plant? What kind of things are you exactly into... Haha... I think Victoria Secret models are just a cover up. :)

SaM-GiRL said...

hahahahahahahah!!!! ahhh, thanks erica hun! I had such a nice laugh while reading this. Its true what you say about the plants growing when they talk but our boobs and body parts that we want to grow wont budge! what about the parts that we dont talk to? like our asses? they always seem to be growing!?!?=) lol.... great post! really enjoyed it! damn those scientists.

Erica AP said...

Sam: I'm so glad you enjoyed this post so much! I never even thought about our asses growing... Damn!!! Damn those scientist and their formulas for making our asses and hips grow... :)

Dan said...

I can answer Sam's question. First ... Hi Sam! (Dan waves to Sam.)

Women's asses grow because guys are always talking to them.

Next question?

Erica AP said...

Dan: Thanks for the explanation. So when you talk to girls asses, do they answer back? haha...

Dan said...

Erica, yes, they usually do answer by saying something like "if you keep talking and ruin the moment we should just switch to missionary so that I can see your face."

Oh ... wait ... you were wondering if the ass talked back, not the girl! Oh. No, the ass never talks back (Unless I've had, like, a couple of six packs.)

James Burnett said...

Ha! You must've been complaining to the plant. Plants are men. No man likes to hear that.

Just kidding.

BTW, Erica, it's time I popped the question: would you like to exchange links?

SaM-GiRL said...

Dan...... lol.... you are such an idiot! but I guess thats why all of us love ya so much! Very good explanation that one.

Erica AP said...

Dan: That was a bit graphic for my little innocent mind but I think I can handle it. Haha... And I'm glad the asses don't talk back because that might get a bit smelly. Ewwwwww....

James: Ok - Plants = Men. Got it. :) And you know what... I usually just add peoples links that I like and I could have sworn I added you weeks ago but sometimes I forget to hit the "save changes" button on blogger and all my effort goes to waste!! Of course we can exchange links, silly!!!

Sam: Dan always has a good explanation for everything. He's like Einstein or something. Haha...

Wavemancali said...

Don't take that glare from a plant. Stand up for yourself. Threaten it with a baby Panda (I hear there is a sale on in San Diego). Make it sweat a little.

Erica AP said...

Waveman: Good idea. Baby pandas are very threating...With their cute faces and giant paws. My bamboo would probably not even care and just cause more trouble. He's stubborn like that. :)

Bitter Bitch said...

You really need to get some feeds going here. Try feedster. I think blogger has an option to add one.

Some people need to add you to their bloglines feed reader....nobody I know, of course but it's entirely possible someone may want to do that some day.

Wavemancali said...

Panda's eat almost nothing in life except bamboo but they are dangerous after eating as the old joke goes... Eats shoots and leaves.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Hey, where did you get that photo anyway? I love it.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Dude, Erica! I just checked in on I Talk Too Much and saw your review. YEE HAW CHIQUITA!

Blondie said...

Yellow leaves.... TOO MUCH WATER!

Damn bamboo bitch..
Best line in the history of blogs.

Natalie said...

I saw your review on Italk2much and read your entire blog.

So def; so fresh. Funny in a crazy me, crazy you kinda way.

I've blogroll'd you... THAT'S how much I like you.

:)

Miss Misery said...

You crazy Erica, but thats why I like you. I once had a plant...a bean plant...I think. Well it was green? Or supposed to be?

I'm not a plant person. Just like I'm not a fish person. I had this fish that would watch me all the time, and I let my cat eat it because DAMN that thing was creepy - watching me undress and all that. Stupid fish.

Erica AP said...

Bitter bitch: Thanks so much for the kick ass review... I was laughing my ass off reading it. And I'm fucking retarded with computer shit so I don't even know what "feeds" are but I'll have Mr. Greggoconnell.com help me with it. Thank again - and you, my dear, are fucking funny. :)

QofD: Thank so much! Don't tell anyone but I just Google images and save them... I don't think I'm big enough for anyone to care... Right? Haha...

Blondie: You can't give bamboo too much water because there is no soil. It lives in water... SO, it must be that I just don't talk to it too much. :)

Natalie: Thanks so much!! Don't read back too far because when I first started this thing I didn't "get" blogs. I'm glad I could make you laugh. :)

Miss Misery: Haha... I laughed out loud... Haha... The fish that I find scary are the ones with the big bulging eyes on the sides of there heads... Those are the ones you want to keep you eye on. (no pun intended) :)

just me said...

you want crazy?

come to my neighborhood.


they grow faster than any plant I'VE ever seen. A new psycho every hour.

Erica AP said...

Just Me: So you live in the jungle? :)