Monday, February 12, 2007

Whales don't breath heavy


I know that I have talked about getting old in the past... Ok - the resent past. But sometimes the oldness takes over and all you can do is hope that it's not taking over your soul. Yes - I said "soul" Soul is my new favorite word because it en captures all of life and the glorious beings within it. And we can climb the mountains to the heavens and walk along hand and hand. Haha... I hope you know I was getting all John Denver on your ass...

Anyway, there is this certain person that I may or may not work with who breathes over my shoulder like she just walk up Mt. Washington. (look it up - it's fucking tall) And all I can think about is, "why exactly is she breathing this hard and can't even hear herself? How exactly does one go from place to place with the sound of an Orca whale lodged inside of her left lung and not even know it's in there??" This is when I try to control myself and block out the sound that could wake a baby lion. What? You don't know that baby lions sleep through everything? Well - look it up. WAIT!! Don't look it up... I just made that up. Shit - you caught me in a fib and now you will never look at me the same way... Sigh...

So, what I hope to accomplish in the future is to not be working so much and to not breath like I'm stuck in a Star Trek show where there's just not enough oxygen on the planet we landed on. Oh - and I'd like not to smell like really bad old person perfume. Or an old person in general because the last thing I want to reek of is band aides and Depends. Old people diapers are just not on my agenda for getting old. Ok? Good. I'm glad we got that straight.

So go on with your lives as the lovely "souls" that you are and when I get old we will have some tea, listen to some Rocky Mountain High and we will pee our pants with the best of them. But don't expect any heavy breathing because I swore that off when I could actually control my bodily functions.

Sucka what? Sucka who? Sucka you!!!

Love,
Erica

29 comments:

Helen said...

I know that smell! And yes, it isn't very nice at all! I hope I don't smell like that either, when I get old!
Helen

SaM-GiRL said...

Lol! Im sure the smell doesnt happen to everybody. and besides, youre only as old as you feel!

Gregg O'Connell said...

you're so outrageous! I like to quote a famous song "Does anybody wanna take me home, I'm kind of lonely will you take me home" I feel what he was saying and I definitely "smell" what you're saying erica!

the one the only
greggoconnell.com

Erica AP said...

Helen: I wonder if there is a way to counter act the smell but not with bad perfume... Let me know if you find out. :)

Sam-girl: I hope that smell doesn't happen to everyone, and I hope I never feel old too!

Gregg: You can't handle my outrageousness. So you are feeling sappy like Herbie and you want someone to bring you home??? Weirdo!!!

Gregg O'Connell said...

Herbie + I have the same genes

Erica AP said...

Herbie does love his 501 Blues.

Jilly O. said...

This lady in my office constantly makes this horking sound (like she's trying to get about a pound of mucus out of her lungs??) and it drives me nuts!! I often wonder how she can be around herself 24/7!

Thanks for stopping by my blog. :)

Erica AP said...

Jilly: There's someone else at my work that does that too!! It's so nasty and sometimes they will do it right into the phone. Ahhhh!! :) Thanks for visiting my blog too!

Blondie said...

My grandma is 77, and smells WONDERFUL! I hope I'm like my grandma when I grow up.

But hotter.

Erica AP said...

Blondie: I hope I'm like your grandmother too! She sounds like one hell of a lady! :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Could you get any funnier? I am mailing a package of Depends to you today...

Erica AP said...

QofD: Again - I love you in a non-Valentines way when you say I'm funny. You make me want to be the next Jerry Seinfeld. :) I can't wait for all of the care packages I'm going to be getting!!! Haha...

Steven Novak said...

"I'm stuck in a Star Trek show where there's just not enough oxygen on the planet we landed on"

If you're wearing a red shirt you're a goner.

I know, I know...that was stupid but I couldn't resist...sorry...

I'm a dork. ;)

Steve~

Erica AP said...

Steve: You may be a dork but I'm the one who made a reference to Star Trek... I think we all know I'm a bit more of a dork than you - but then again, I don't really know what the meaning of the red shirt is... :)

Dan said...

when I get old we will have some tea, listen to some Rocky Mountain High and we will pee our pants with the best of them.

Well Hell Erica! I was going to invite you over to do all of this tonight. I thought it might be really fun ... especially the cleaning up part. Hugs and smooches.

Erica AP said...

Dan: I had no idea you enjoyed these things too. We could make it a kind of theme party and dress up like John Denver and give gift baskets of Depends. :) Happy V-day baby!!

The Boob Lady said...

Old people smell is the worst.

Imagine poor me in the store, fitting an old lady for a bra when I get a whiff of her 134 year old perfume. I also think I saw diaper line once.

Erica AP said...

Boob Lady: Man - that is sooo nasty. I hope you don't have to help them get into the bras. Old saggy boobs and musty perfume don't really sound like fun... :)

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Oh, I have many, many care packages to offer! Depends, Soul Train dvds, melba toast, polyester...

Erica AP said...

QofD: What's melba toast? Some kind of 70's powerhouse food??? Sign me up!

James Burnett said...

Ha! You've got a dragon breather co-worker. I had one of those.

Yes, we should all be able to avoid unbreathable old people perfume and old people diapers.

Good luck with that.

The Boob Lady said...

Erica, I indeed to get to put the bra on them!

And what??? You don't know what Melba Toast is?

OMG.

Erica AP said...

James: I hope we can avoid it. It's just not all that becoming smelling like diapers. :)

Boob Lady: You do!! Man - that suck big ass. No - I really don't know what that toast is... Maybe if I saw a picture I'd remember it?

The Boob Lady said...

Erica, I will devote an entire post tomorrow to Melba Toast, just for you, check in!!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Erica, I have no idea what melba toast is composed of, but I had a great grandmother that used to eat the stuff by the pound. I think it's actually strong enough to use in masonry work.

Erica AP said...

Boob Lady: Awesome!! I can't wait!

QofD: Sounds like it will put some hair on my chest... Not sure if I actually want that though...

Dan said...

Well, I guess that Depends! Get it? It "Depends".

Har, har, har. Cracking myself up over here!

Erica AP said...

Dan: I get it... You can say all the corny jokes you want over here... I don't get much traffic... No one will judge you. Haha...

The Boob Lady said...

Done and Done Erica, swing on over and feast your eyes on some sweet sweet Melba Toast.