Sunday, January 14, 2007

Oven vs. Drinks


Ok - We all know that wimpy-wimps move to California because it's warm, but I don't think I signed up for this.

I'm from Vermont. I skied when I was younger and spent countless hours in the snow building forts (yes - the snow was so high I could build forts) and running buckets of water down sled grooves to make them crazy fast. But the older I got the more I realized that cold weather is actually my arch nemesis. Not only do you have to drive in it, but it makes one (ok - maybe just me) have slight symptoms of tourettes syndrome. I would get in my car and instead of saying, "Man is it cold out!" I would yell, "Oh fucking, mother of shit, it's so fucking cold out, you mother fucker!!!!!" Possibly over and over again until my heater would kick in.

I thought I had left that all behind when I moved. I thought wrong. It's gotten into the 30's lately. And wouldn't you know it, my heater broke. That little weird wall heater that occupies all California apartments, that when you turn it on you think you might, just might, burn the whole house down because it blasts out an obscene amount of flames that is covered with only a thin sheet of metal with tons of holes in it. But you figure... Hummm... Nobody else thinks this is strangely unsafe so it MUST be safe.

So that brings me to my new heat source and possibly me new replacement for my favorite drink. I decided that the only way that my puppy and I could survive is to turn on my oven and leave the door open to heat the house. Just in case you have never done this, (although I'm pretty sure this is the way they heated houses in the olden days - not sure what "olden day" mean but I'm thinking it was before the time of wall heaters) you open the door and you are visited by the nicest burst of warm air you have ever imagined. It heats your little bum to the core-soul and puts all your fears on the shelf.... Until you start laughing a little and think, "This smell that I smell... What is this... I have smelled (smelt??) it before and something tells me it's not right." A half an hour later I realize that it is the very strong smell of gas. Not human or dog gas, but natural gas.. Haha... Not gasoline but gas. (If you don't know what I mean - then go look it up asshole!) So I have become gitty on gas. And you know what??? I like it. I'm warm and I feel drunk and I think this might just be my new drink of choice. I call it the, "Burnin' Heater" and someday I plan on making big bucks from it. So back off!!!!

So if you are feeling like you need a lift and a little heat - pull you seat up and order a "Burnin' Heater" and be proud when you say, "I read the blog of the person who made this drink."

Hells yeah!!

I swear I'm not gassy Erica

36 comments:

Gregg O'Connell said...

dude i think you should stop this insane way of heating your house b/ you could wind up dead!

long live james and herbie

Steven Novak said...

Shut up, you know you're gassy. ;)

Steve~

Erica AP said...

Gregg: I love living on the edge. Haha... James is very cute.

Erica AP said...

Steve: Ok - maybe I'm a little burpy - but you should know that girls don't fart.

Dan said...

It's gotten into the 30's lately.

You're beginning to sound like Gregg! What you need is a nice warm hug. I'm booking the next flight to San Diego.

Erica AP said...

Dan: You'd take a flight just for a hug? Wow - you really are my #1 fan. :) Or you could just mail me an electric blanket...

James Burnett said...

Hey, I once used my open-doored oven for heat when the gas went out in my apartment building for like two days. And at the time I was living in Wisconsin, so it was freezing.

I wouldn't recommend it as a habit but it worked like a charm in that pinch.

Erica AP said...

James: 2 days huh? Well, thankfully my landlord is coming to fix it tomorrow and I'm hoping because I live in CA that the weather won't stay like this for long. But then again with all the damn global warming... :)

QofD said...

Uh Erica? This is the funniest post you have ever written. Seriously, I am laughing my rather sore ass off right now (and why is it sore? Because as you had mentioned it's been cold here and I actually slipped on ICE. In California. What is this world coming to?)

But anyway. Don't heat your house with the oven. Please don't kill or injure yourself. I'll mail you a nice, safe, space heater, ok? Because I'm a mom like that.

Erica AP said...

QofD: You sure know how to make a girl's day - telling me how awesomely funny I am... I've never had an internet best friend but you are climbing high on the list. Haha... :)

Oh - and I have a space heater - I call it "the little heater that could". Poor luke-warm-little-space-heater...

I hope your bum gets better soon!!!

Anonymous said...

HI ERICA
HERE IN BOSTON IT IS LOOKING LIKE IT IS GOING TO ROUND OUT TO A BALMY NINE DEGREES TONIGHT! BUT IT HAS BEEN REALLY WARM HERE SO FAR THIS WINTER. I BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING. WE'VE ONLY HAD SNOW ONCE! BY THE WAY DID YOU WATCH ANY SPORTS ON SUNDAY? I CAUGHT A PRETTY GOOD FOOTBALL GAME. I'M STILL IN SHOCK THAT WE WON. IN MY MIND SAN DIEGO WAS GOING TO WIN THE SUPERBOWL THIS YEAR. TALK TO YA LATAH-MATT

Erica AP said...

Matt: I know!!! My Mom said it's been very warm... Crazy, crazy globe heater! I actually did catch a bit of the game - suprising because I'm not so athletic or coordinated. Damn tap dancing classes... :)

Dan said...

So you equate me with an electric blanket huh?

Jeez ... I guess that's better than a wet blanket!

Erica AP said...

Dan: No - when I think of you I think of a juicer. Haha... Juicin' things up, man!!! (god - I'm weird.)

Gregg O'Connell said...

it's like a freaking sausage fest in here with all the dudes!

Erica AP said...

Gregg: Again - just jealous. You have mostly women comments... Why you making a stink?

Gregg O'Connell said...

erica: dudes are nasty....girls are so cool!!!

QofD said...

Alright, so long as you have something Erica.

Let me know if you need reinforcements. I would be more than happy to contribute to the cause. Perhaps you could put a link to paypal so we could contribute to the Erica Putis Heat Foundation or something. I wouldn't want you accidentally killing yourself a la Sylvia Plath or anything.

Erica AP said...

Gregg: Yes - you are a dude and you are indeed nasty.

QofD: I should put up a link for money so that I can quit my second job!!! Haha... I got my heater kinda fixed but you are very sweet to care about how I die. :)

Helen said...

Oh to feel the sun on my face and the warmth wash over me... I wish this darn winter would end!
Helen

Erica AP said...

Helen: I love, love, love, love summer. I can not wait either!!

QofD said...

I only care because I want to make sure you're alive until I am offically licensed to take care of your lifeless corpse.

Ok, I just gave myself the case of the "icks". Sorry.

Erica AP said...

QofD: You are the only one I would want taking care of my lifeless body... haha...

Michelle said...

I think our boiler broke sometimes yesterday, because it was might chilly when I went upstairs to bed last night! We're having a guy come to look at it, but the thought of no hot water/heating is really scaring me right now... bring on the summer!

Erica AP said...

Michelle: That IS scary! At least I have warm water to get the chill out. Down with Winter!!!

FU said...

i enjoy a good warming from the oven too. But we have an electric stove, so it's a bit safer, wouldn't recommend it with a Gas oven. :s

Thanks for visiting my blog and the nice comments!!! Your blog is quite funny as well. I was laffing at the tourrette line coz i do the same thing. eheheh.

I'll be back :)

Erica AP said...

FU: I'm glad I can make someone laugh because isn't that what makes the world go round??? Haha... I know - the swearing just takes complete control of me when it's cold. :)

Domestic Slackstress said...

Holy crap. You're from Vermont, moved to Cali. and recently said on S. Novak's blog that you grew up strict Catholic. I'm from New Hampshire, went to a harsh discipline nun-run Catholic school and moved to California ... and posted recently about the frozen fruit and plummeting temps. I've become a total weather wimp. You'd never know that I'm a New Englander whose nose drippings froze at the bus stop many a below zero dipping winter. Nice to have run into your blog.

Domestic Slackstress said...

Hey ... are you a Pats fan? Remember the Superbowl against the Bears' Refridgerator? My kids and husband are already salivatinng over tomorrow's game against the Colts. Patriots fans in Southern California are hard to come by.

Erica AP said...

Domestic Slackstress: That's sooo cool you are from NH! Where are you from? Ah yes - I remember the frozen nose drippings well. You gotta love a kid with frozen buggers. Haha... Well, I'm actually not that into sports but if my friends want to catch a Pats game I'll go and act like a true player!!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I know that true blog art takes time, but I am jonesing for another post Erica dear!

Erica AP said...

QofD: I know - I know... But I always have a good excuse... Haha... This time one of my best friends from college is visiting. I will follow through, though... Please keep the faith. :)

A chuisle said...

Erica:

I came across your blog b/c i read one of your comments in QofD's blog. Great posting and great blog! It seems we also have a lot of the same interests (I'm getting my MA in theatre in Ireland). Stop by my blog and say hi if you ever have a chance. Otherwise, just wanted to say hello and say congrats on having a good blog. I'm gonna throw a link to it on mine if ye don't mind! :)

-Macoosh:)

Erica AP said...

A chuisle: Thanks so much!! That's cool you are taking acting. Do you want to do Theater or film? Is there a lot of work in Ireland?

Link all you want, baby!!!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Will do Erica. Just post before I flatline... which should be sometime in March. ;)

Miss Misery said...

I just started reading you blog, I came over here from italk2much (great review by the way) and I'm already in love with it lol! I've blog rolled you already!